Avery's speaks

I'm sure people I've never meat think I'm some strong, well formed individual with a firm handshake, a soft spoken, well thought out word, a sturdy frame and a commanding presence. I don't suppose when I whirlwind into a room I'm anything anyone expects. I don't really know who I would imagine myself to be if I didn't know me...I do suppose I would be more to-the-point and professional then I am...

Never the less, here I am. A mess. I talk too much, and too loud, and laugh too often and in the wrong places. I'm a nerd and passionate about things in and around my life. I think quite often I can relate to most things...I probably can't.

I'm nothing special then a energetic whirlwind. A mess of pieces of a little bit of everything. I wouldn't be a beautiful romantic stain glass mosaic depicting some uplifting moment in religious history or a beautiful bird or flower, I'd be some colorful jumble and collection of glass and polished stones mortared together in some exotic pattern.

I reckon I should have more grace and poise then I do. My mother sent me to etiquette classes and both my parents were very guarded in speech and picked their words, presence and clothes very particularly. For some reason, I didn't learn to keep my experiences to myself, check my speech or water myself down. I live my life outwardly, knowing my experiences as lonely and pointless if not to bring or progress humanities position further towards a better world.

I know I possibly disappoint those whom I speak to online or through text or via messaging all the time. I don't get to organize my thoughts the way I do when I write, subtract some of the florally metaphoric crap and leave something raw but slightly polished for those to respond to. I just am.

I don't really know how else to be. I met the love of my life this way, my excuse is God made me this way and He loves me...so why change? He also has allowed me 2 beautiful children....I guess I'm made of the right stuff....?

I look though at my kids, and think, how did I get to be part of this life? My son's life continues to amaze me, wear me out, but truly amaze me.

I'm sure everyone thinks I get up with pep in my step, a smile and a Santa like to-do list and a mug of Dunkin coffee and some sort of plan to my day. O, and my makeup is done and my outfit is coordinated.


In all honest, waking up in the morning is no fun. I think I purposely stay up late so I can put off the bittersweet of the alarm. I stumble often into things I know are there, set off half a dozen baby toys and buzzers on my way to the shower and don't really have much to say until around 2 hours after I've gotten up.

Around 1pm I'm struggling for reasons to stay focused on anything...often I'm overwhelmed because my phone has rung probably 25 times and my inbox has 22 messages...my OCD is not happy with life at all. If I get on a roll I feel rather accomplished and get amped up. If for some reason I'm off that day....I look at the little inbox warning and sigh "What did I get myself into?" crosses my mind.

Yup, pretty human. Sometimes remembering the hardest times in Avery's life is hard for me. I know...surprise? And I'm not amazing, and I know it...I'm a "I'm happy I got blush on my face" type girl and having a full time job, a baby, a foundation and school gets overwhelming.

There's a reason we have 3 different 'project managers' and assistants....I would be lost, the Avery's Angels email monster would eat me up.

And Avery hasn't gotten any better. He won't, he's my son and I should have a 2 year old bounding all over my house and wanting to wrestle with his sister and not wanting her to drool on his toys...I should have 2 baths to get done and blue mixed in with the pink laundry.

So I need a pep talk quite often. The daily messages about "I'm so happy I found you all" are nice and a good reminder to "keep on" but every now and then people find/do things that are truly amazing for me.

Like people who want to do fundraisers around the world, work with/for me, send gifts, small or large, hand written notes, speak on us, send me stories about butterflies they've seen or how Avery came to wake them up or motivated them to various things....or name their babies after my son.

That he has become to everyone else what he meant to me....something to be proud of, something to aspire to...yes aspire to as his mother...I want to be more like my son. I want to be wide eyed to the world, trusting and believing in all, and ready to laugh at the little things like my mobile. I want to be able to know that crying isn't going to make it easier, that it hurts but it will eventually get better. That love is worth having no matter how short or long. And a smile is the most amazing gift you give yourself and others as often as you're able.

And he is that to others. So much so that people want to name their children after him....that people reach out from corners of the world, email us inquiries and think I'm some dame that I'm not.....

My son has put rose glasses on others...I'm slowly changing into a much more graceful mother because of him...and he's inspiring others to have their best lives.

And he speaks, he tells me everyday at 2pm to put my head down and get through. "Mama, crying isn't going to do anything, just get it done." A song pops on the radio, a rainbow catches some random object and flashes up, a butterfly spends a few hours flitting in and out of a corner of the yard or window. "Hey Mom, remember when I got my 3rd PCC line in and you freaked out and I was like 'what's your deal mom?'"

So I put my head down and muscle through, and look up intime to see a butterfly pass me by, and hear someone tell me, "Avery came today...." And Avery says "hey Mom...remember when you freaked out then and I told you "eh, no biggy..."

Not much has changed, son. Except you're changing everything.