Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Just here
There isn't very much insight that I have to update, Avery's been working a lot this week though. I've been doing a lot of listening for the children, which I love, a lot more than having to discipline them (aka yell, does wonders for my singing voice but not much for my enjoyment.) I've been doing a lot of listening and let Avery relate if it comes up. I can feel myself coming more and more into the person that God intended. It's pretty amazing to watch God take hold of my life and all the things I struggled with implimenting in my life before, He does so easy. It's easy to be sincere, encouraging, smiling, positive, calming and energetic for everyone all the time now through and with him where it was a daily reminding, daily trial for me on my own. Wake up and try and focus on what I wanted to be. Now it's just there. Not me. All Him.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Figuring it all out
I've gotten a little too busy. I know that I'm thinking that I'm doing a good thing for me; keeping myself busy so as not to think about everything too much and earn more cash so finances aren't too strained however it's exhausting (I don't know how some people do it!! and I know people who have 3 jobs! I used to too!) and it's not very conducive to seeing the man that I love.
I have to prioritize what is important to me. This much I know;
God
Family
Friends
So everything has to circle these things.
God I just pray that you put patience and healing in my life. In the life I have together with Jared. Make our every decision and thought centered around you and what is good for an "Us." Heal us in our new way, heal us whole, heal us stronger. Let us learn each other in love in this new way that you have set before us. Let us continue to be a beacon of hope and light to you in our love and the way that we show our love to the world around us. God I just life you up for every time that anyone has said something positive and encouraging about us together. I know that it's you with us and in us that make us so strong together and separate. God I just beg that you preserve that in us and between us and with you until we can come home to you. Give us the vision and wisdom to see true to that.
God I pray for our family. There is much to heal there and much to build hedges of protection around. Lord I just ask that you guide, direct, protect and lead them in your light, that you grant them peace and happiness, the fullness of life and the strength to live it.
I thank you for our friends, our wonderful, miraculous friends that are a constant beacon of you and how you love us. In their patience, in their steadfastness, in their desire to help, even before we knew we needed the help.
God you alone know the contents of our hearts. I ask your favor that we see the fruition of some of those things. I ask that you give us happiness, peace, love and wisdom. Be to us the shield and stronghold for us to muster through this week and all that follow.
God hearken us to our son. Draw him near to us, draw us near to you and him. Tell him we love and miss him terribly.
In Christ's Name
Amen
I have to prioritize what is important to me. This much I know;
God
Family
Friends
So everything has to circle these things.
God I just pray that you put patience and healing in my life. In the life I have together with Jared. Make our every decision and thought centered around you and what is good for an "Us." Heal us in our new way, heal us whole, heal us stronger. Let us learn each other in love in this new way that you have set before us. Let us continue to be a beacon of hope and light to you in our love and the way that we show our love to the world around us. God I just life you up for every time that anyone has said something positive and encouraging about us together. I know that it's you with us and in us that make us so strong together and separate. God I just beg that you preserve that in us and between us and with you until we can come home to you. Give us the vision and wisdom to see true to that.
God I pray for our family. There is much to heal there and much to build hedges of protection around. Lord I just ask that you guide, direct, protect and lead them in your light, that you grant them peace and happiness, the fullness of life and the strength to live it.
I thank you for our friends, our wonderful, miraculous friends that are a constant beacon of you and how you love us. In their patience, in their steadfastness, in their desire to help, even before we knew we needed the help.
God you alone know the contents of our hearts. I ask your favor that we see the fruition of some of those things. I ask that you give us happiness, peace, love and wisdom. Be to us the shield and stronghold for us to muster through this week and all that follow.
God hearken us to our son. Draw him near to us, draw us near to you and him. Tell him we love and miss him terribly.
In Christ's Name
Amen
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Soap Box/Resources!!!!
When do I come off of the Soap Box right? Nooo. It's not like that I just wanted to share some important things on how people can really make an active difference by doing little tiny things;
First, when you decide to get pregnant or find out your pregnant, take Folic Acid SUPPLEMENTS (they're $2.50-$3 at Walmart) immediately, in addition to your pre-natal vitamins. It won't prevent everything, but it will increase your likelihood of things going more smoothly.
Donate Blood and plasma/platelets when you can if you can. One adult donation of platelets saves 12 babies!!!! And not enough people do that and a lot of hospitals need need need platelets and plasma badly.
Avery's Fund is a very serious resource. One out of every 2000 babies (that number is on the rise in NC) is born with gastroschisis. 90% live and 10% don't. That's 200 babies out of the 2000 born. THEY STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSES IT! Or what to do. So donate to the fund, the $2.50 you want to spend on cards or memorandum for us, or even if you want to do a drive for the fund, that would be AWESOME. Your spare change, anything. I'm currently researching fundraising ideas to get his fund to $5000 by the end of the year. I would love love love to have Dr. Helmrath in a position to be able to study whatever he needs to with at least a million dollars at the Hospitals disposal in 2 years with that number growing.
If your the Mommy or Daddy or Grandparent or friend of a baby angel there's an awesome resource and International Day on October 15th called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. There has been a movement internationally to get this recognize as a holiday for the millions of parents who have lost their babies. In almost every one of the 50 states there is a celebration of some sort, walk, vigil, etc for the parents and families of our precious angels. If that's something that you think you can do (not all of us angel mommies are at that place) then I encourage you to check out the website.
www.octber15th.com
There are also a ton of resources there for families who have suffered Pregnancy/Infant loss. Please please please check it out or refer a friend.
So there. Save babies by;
Donating blood
Donating Plasma/Platelets
Donate to Avery's Memorial Fund
Help you/your family/your friends;
October 15th www.october15th.com
Some of these are even free!!!!!
I pray that Christ moves everyone who knows of our Avery and other gastroschisis babies to feel "This is enough!" and that fund triples, multiplies and just flourishes so that the UNC Hospital lead the fight to prevent/end/correct gastroschisis. That then nationally and internationally medical practitioners are equipped with the means to help mothers and fathers and babies live and survive this disease. I pray that Avery's life will not be in vain, that he will inspire a movement to help his brothers and sisters all over the world to live, with just minor tummy scars.
I pray that the Lord sees in people's heart their ability to do more, to help others and babies internationally by donating what they have. That October 15th can be a day of Remembrance to the Family and Friends of Angel babies so that some peace can come of knowing, you are not alone, that our Angels can live on forever. So that we know there is a giant playpen just waiting by the front Gate for us to come and pick them up after our work here is done. And it's just the most perfect Day Care possible.
I pray God that people don't let Avery and all the other mother's babies I know are with you, that they don't let our babies just be another "tragedy." That they help us get peace and joy from knowing there was some purpose for their bitty lives.
Lord spread over us generosity of spirit and heart. God lift up our means in all things; financial, spiritual and bodily to do what we can for our sisters and brothers. Let there not be just one time of year where this falls heavy on our hearts, but that it remains with us all year long.
Lord God thank you for the fighting spirit of Deborah you put in me. God I just ask that you give me the means to make these things possible in all ways, through all gifts.
Forever your daughter. Send my precious angel close to me. And whisper peace and love and solace to his beloved father.
Amen
Meg
First, when you decide to get pregnant or find out your pregnant, take Folic Acid SUPPLEMENTS (they're $2.50-$3 at Walmart) immediately, in addition to your pre-natal vitamins. It won't prevent everything, but it will increase your likelihood of things going more smoothly.
Donate Blood and plasma/platelets when you can if you can. One adult donation of platelets saves 12 babies!!!! And not enough people do that and a lot of hospitals need need need platelets and plasma badly.
Avery's Fund is a very serious resource. One out of every 2000 babies (that number is on the rise in NC) is born with gastroschisis. 90% live and 10% don't. That's 200 babies out of the 2000 born. THEY STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSES IT! Or what to do. So donate to the fund, the $2.50 you want to spend on cards or memorandum for us, or even if you want to do a drive for the fund, that would be AWESOME. Your spare change, anything. I'm currently researching fundraising ideas to get his fund to $5000 by the end of the year. I would love love love to have Dr. Helmrath in a position to be able to study whatever he needs to with at least a million dollars at the Hospitals disposal in 2 years with that number growing.
If your the Mommy or Daddy or Grandparent or friend of a baby angel there's an awesome resource and International Day on October 15th called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. There has been a movement internationally to get this recognize as a holiday for the millions of parents who have lost their babies. In almost every one of the 50 states there is a celebration of some sort, walk, vigil, etc for the parents and families of our precious angels. If that's something that you think you can do (not all of us angel mommies are at that place) then I encourage you to check out the website.
www.octber15th.com
There are also a ton of resources there for families who have suffered Pregnancy/Infant loss. Please please please check it out or refer a friend.
So there. Save babies by;
Donating blood
Donating Plasma/Platelets
Donate to Avery's Memorial Fund
Help you/your family/your friends;
October 15th www.october15th.com
Some of these are even free!!!!!
I pray that Christ moves everyone who knows of our Avery and other gastroschisis babies to feel "This is enough!" and that fund triples, multiplies and just flourishes so that the UNC Hospital lead the fight to prevent/end/correct gastroschisis. That then nationally and internationally medical practitioners are equipped with the means to help mothers and fathers and babies live and survive this disease. I pray that Avery's life will not be in vain, that he will inspire a movement to help his brothers and sisters all over the world to live, with just minor tummy scars.
I pray that the Lord sees in people's heart their ability to do more, to help others and babies internationally by donating what they have. That October 15th can be a day of Remembrance to the Family and Friends of Angel babies so that some peace can come of knowing, you are not alone, that our Angels can live on forever. So that we know there is a giant playpen just waiting by the front Gate for us to come and pick them up after our work here is done. And it's just the most perfect Day Care possible.
I pray God that people don't let Avery and all the other mother's babies I know are with you, that they don't let our babies just be another "tragedy." That they help us get peace and joy from knowing there was some purpose for their bitty lives.
Lord spread over us generosity of spirit and heart. God lift up our means in all things; financial, spiritual and bodily to do what we can for our sisters and brothers. Let there not be just one time of year where this falls heavy on our hearts, but that it remains with us all year long.
Lord God thank you for the fighting spirit of Deborah you put in me. God I just ask that you give me the means to make these things possible in all ways, through all gifts.
Forever your daughter. Send my precious angel close to me. And whisper peace and love and solace to his beloved father.
Amen
Meg
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
What Teacher's Make
My principal forwarded this to us. This is what I mean when I say life is still beautiful;
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?'
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:
'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'
To emphasize his point he said to another guest;
'You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?'
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
'You want to know what I make?
(She paused for a second, then began...)
'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
"You want to know what I make."
(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
''I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write..
Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math.
They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe..
I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God,
because we live in the United States of America.
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'
(Bonnie paused one last time, then continued.)
'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make,
with me knowing money isn't everything,
I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...
You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?'
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?'
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:
'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'
To emphasize his point he said to another guest;
'You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?'
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
'You want to know what I make?
(She paused for a second, then began...)
'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
"You want to know what I make."
(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
''I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write..
Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math.
They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe..
I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God,
because we live in the United States of America.
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'
(Bonnie paused one last time, then continued.)
'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make,
with me knowing money isn't everything,
I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...
You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?'
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
My motto
So at the end of emails this is what goes out, just wanted to try and sum me up in a some quips;
Hosea 2:16
(My saving scripture, the day you're saved, you are married to Him. It's that type of relationship.)
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fire"
(I'm sick of being strong, but God brings you to it and God will bring you through it. So there. His biding, I just do it.)
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none; be able for thine enemy rather in power than use; and keep thy friend under thine own life's key; be checked for silence, but never taxed for speech” All's Well That Ends Well, I:2 William Shakespeare
(The motto I have as to how I am to others. It's rather straight forward and I like it.)
I've been praying on a new one that He's recently put on my heart. Watch for that one. =)
Hosea 2:16
(My saving scripture, the day you're saved, you are married to Him. It's that type of relationship.)
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fire"
(I'm sick of being strong, but God brings you to it and God will bring you through it. So there. His biding, I just do it.)
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none; be able for thine enemy rather in power than use; and keep thy friend under thine own life's key; be checked for silence, but never taxed for speech” All's Well That Ends Well, I:2 William Shakespeare
(The motto I have as to how I am to others. It's rather straight forward and I like it.)
I've been praying on a new one that He's recently put on my heart. Watch for that one. =)
Easier?
Things don't get easier. Or make any more sense. You just learn to live with it.
Like a war victim without a leg or an arm. You can't forget, but you learn to navigate through life without it.
Last night was hard. Today is hard. It's harder going through it and watching someone you love hurt and ache.
Their face twists, their body, their limbs, their heart. You can see it, watch it, hear it. Ever heard a heart break? I have. It's awful.
And to be hurting, and hurting that someone that you love is hurting? And hurting more because there's nothing you can say or do to help?
That's a lot of hurting. But it's true.
And you don't have answers. You don't know what to say or do. There's nothing, no comfort, no solace.
All things take time, but what peace does that bring? It's getting through the time that's so hard.
Well....that and it's rainy.....that never helps. (Smile here?)
Life is still beautiful. I know this. There are beautiful things, friends, family, sun, the funny things the children say all around me. The kitten my co-workers fished out of a drain. The rose bush we planted for Avery here at school that constantly has a rose on it.
There's beauty in life. But there's an ache. A deep deep, hollow, consuming ache.
Wanting to share that beauty with your son. Your Avery. And knowing he knows, but you never got to show him, or be part of that.
O SHUSH! Those who are saying "Who better to show them than God?" ME!!! His Mommy! And his incredible, amazing, loving, doting father!! I know God could do a much better job, but we would have loved the chance.
You just get through it. Like forgiveness. Send it up to God. Send it back to the One who knows.
He better meet me and Jared at the Gate and explain it all. And He better come with Our buddy.
Love to those who ache, miss. Who feel like their centers have turned into a black hole; a gravitational nothing, pulling in all that is bright and shiny, and sucking it into darkness. There are still stars, I promise, there are no answers, no words, but there are still stars.
God I just life Jared and I up to you. Sew us together and closer to you. Give us and grant us repose. Find it in Your favor to grant us some of the desires of our hearts, a bit of joy.
Hold our son close. Hold those close with children in heaven. Heal us whole and not bitter. Grant us peace, for we can have no understanding.
Kiss our Avery for us.
We love you and trust in you. Amen
Meghan
Like a war victim without a leg or an arm. You can't forget, but you learn to navigate through life without it.
Last night was hard. Today is hard. It's harder going through it and watching someone you love hurt and ache.
Their face twists, their body, their limbs, their heart. You can see it, watch it, hear it. Ever heard a heart break? I have. It's awful.
And to be hurting, and hurting that someone that you love is hurting? And hurting more because there's nothing you can say or do to help?
That's a lot of hurting. But it's true.
And you don't have answers. You don't know what to say or do. There's nothing, no comfort, no solace.
All things take time, but what peace does that bring? It's getting through the time that's so hard.
Well....that and it's rainy.....that never helps. (Smile here?)
Life is still beautiful. I know this. There are beautiful things, friends, family, sun, the funny things the children say all around me. The kitten my co-workers fished out of a drain. The rose bush we planted for Avery here at school that constantly has a rose on it.
There's beauty in life. But there's an ache. A deep deep, hollow, consuming ache.
Wanting to share that beauty with your son. Your Avery. And knowing he knows, but you never got to show him, or be part of that.
O SHUSH! Those who are saying "Who better to show them than God?" ME!!! His Mommy! And his incredible, amazing, loving, doting father!! I know God could do a much better job, but we would have loved the chance.
You just get through it. Like forgiveness. Send it up to God. Send it back to the One who knows.
He better meet me and Jared at the Gate and explain it all. And He better come with Our buddy.
Love to those who ache, miss. Who feel like their centers have turned into a black hole; a gravitational nothing, pulling in all that is bright and shiny, and sucking it into darkness. There are still stars, I promise, there are no answers, no words, but there are still stars.
God I just life Jared and I up to you. Sew us together and closer to you. Give us and grant us repose. Find it in Your favor to grant us some of the desires of our hearts, a bit of joy.
Hold our son close. Hold those close with children in heaven. Heal us whole and not bitter. Grant us peace, for we can have no understanding.
Kiss our Avery for us.
We love you and trust in you. Amen
Meghan
Monday, September 21, 2009
This week
I can look at pictures this week. I hope that's a good thing. Some days/hours/min/weeks it's very difficult. But I've looked up twice today and smiled at him.
I've got a lot on my heart and my brain and body are suffering from it. I keep trying to stay busy but then Jared and I barely see each other. It's a very hard time to figure out a schedule. And then I get sick or light headed because I'm rushing and forgetting to eat. Smart I know.
I'm quitting caffine again. And it's giving me headaches and making me grumpy when I really hate being that way. I know it's for the best but I REALLY want an ice tea/Dr. Pepper/Coffee.
I have realize that if I don't cry at least once a day it really throws me off completely. Emotionally and physically. It's very strange to me because I don't really enjoy crying and haven't been much of a crier for most of my life. But I can't pretend that the hurt isn't there, no matter how full or beautiful the day is.
I'm also censoring shows and such for me. Things on conception difficulties, especially on my favorite show, Friends, too many babies and too much miscarriage information. I've just decided that at least part of the "Secret" was right. I believe I need to maintain a healthy and positive mindset. It shows true faith in God and it also keeps you from going crazy.
Going to the Biltmore really made me realize how important getting away and having a break is. I really think Jared and I need to plan more of those little vacations every so often.
God I just pray you listen to the content of my heart and see it in your desire to deliever on them. I know through you all things are possible. I just ask that You find favor with us to grant us joy, comfort and some of our simple wishes.
Hold Avery close to us and keep us firm in your presence. It is through you that we are the good that we are.
Forever yours.
Love
Meg
I've got a lot on my heart and my brain and body are suffering from it. I keep trying to stay busy but then Jared and I barely see each other. It's a very hard time to figure out a schedule. And then I get sick or light headed because I'm rushing and forgetting to eat. Smart I know.
I'm quitting caffine again. And it's giving me headaches and making me grumpy when I really hate being that way. I know it's for the best but I REALLY want an ice tea/Dr. Pepper/Coffee.
I have realize that if I don't cry at least once a day it really throws me off completely. Emotionally and physically. It's very strange to me because I don't really enjoy crying and haven't been much of a crier for most of my life. But I can't pretend that the hurt isn't there, no matter how full or beautiful the day is.
I'm also censoring shows and such for me. Things on conception difficulties, especially on my favorite show, Friends, too many babies and too much miscarriage information. I've just decided that at least part of the "Secret" was right. I believe I need to maintain a healthy and positive mindset. It shows true faith in God and it also keeps you from going crazy.
Going to the Biltmore really made me realize how important getting away and having a break is. I really think Jared and I need to plan more of those little vacations every so often.
God I just pray you listen to the content of my heart and see it in your desire to deliever on them. I know through you all things are possible. I just ask that You find favor with us to grant us joy, comfort and some of our simple wishes.
Hold Avery close to us and keep us firm in your presence. It is through you that we are the good that we are.
Forever yours.
Love
Meg
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Another Story
God listen and God answers.
I promise you He does.
He had a plan for Avery and Jared and I. It hurts, the miss is still there, the pain and the ache. But there was a plan.
I don't want to understand it in this mind, in this body, but someday in my complete and holy body I will. And that's OK.
I tell you this, I witness to you this;
Though there is much rain, there is much sun.
Though there is great pain, there is also great joy.
Though life often isn't fair, it is often beautiful.
It is ugly, but it is lovely.
Even though I walk without my heart, I still see that there is beauty and love and good in the world. Life is still beautiful.
Human justice is incomplete justice. Our comprehension is limited to our knowledge, our experience. Surrender to that.
Because life is beautiful. Life is good.
God is listening. He has been listening. And I praise Him for that. Because He is answering some prayers.
His timing is perfect. His knowledge is complete, and His love is mighty.
Where there is no family, there is family in Christ. And He provides, completely, all things.
But I promise you, through my tears, that life is still beautiful.
I promise you He does.
He had a plan for Avery and Jared and I. It hurts, the miss is still there, the pain and the ache. But there was a plan.
I don't want to understand it in this mind, in this body, but someday in my complete and holy body I will. And that's OK.
I tell you this, I witness to you this;
Though there is much rain, there is much sun.
Though there is great pain, there is also great joy.
Though life often isn't fair, it is often beautiful.
It is ugly, but it is lovely.
Even though I walk without my heart, I still see that there is beauty and love and good in the world. Life is still beautiful.
Human justice is incomplete justice. Our comprehension is limited to our knowledge, our experience. Surrender to that.
Because life is beautiful. Life is good.
God is listening. He has been listening. And I praise Him for that. Because He is answering some prayers.
His timing is perfect. His knowledge is complete, and His love is mighty.
Where there is no family, there is family in Christ. And He provides, completely, all things.
But I promise you, through my tears, that life is still beautiful.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Remember
The next time you do something God awful stupid,
Just plain reckless and with so little regard to life,
I want you to see me crying, hear my aching howl for the child's life I fought so hard to save,
As you care so little for your own.
I want you to struggle with the justice of that two edge sword,
With the pain that Judge bears on my soul,
And all the other mothers that search the stars for their babies,
Their daughters and sons,
The hurt of being stranded here with this
Pain, this loneliness,
And if you still throw it away, I hope you can stand in front of me,
And my tears, and my ache and make me understand.
Just plain reckless and with so little regard to life,
I want you to see me crying, hear my aching howl for the child's life I fought so hard to save,
As you care so little for your own.
I want you to struggle with the justice of that two edge sword,
With the pain that Judge bears on my soul,
And all the other mothers that search the stars for their babies,
Their daughters and sons,
The hurt of being stranded here with this
Pain, this loneliness,
And if you still throw it away, I hope you can stand in front of me,
And my tears, and my ache and make me understand.
Mommy's of Angels poems
There's nothing special or wonderful about being the mommy part of this. The human suffers, cries and aches. Your body, your gut literally feels like you are the personification of a black hole. An aybiss where your gut once was. Here are some poems I love though;
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Author Unknown
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I though of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven’s
gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I’ve promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day,
there’s no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.
David M. Romano
To All Parents
by Edgar Guest
"I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.
Untitled
Mother, please don’t mourn for me;
I’m still here, though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I’m always near
I’m everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I’ll never wander out of your sight.
I’m the brightest stat on a summer night.
I’ll never be beyond your reach.
I’m the warm, moist sand when you’re at the beach.
I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around
And the pure, white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you are so fond.
The clear, cool water in a quiet pond.
I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring;
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
And you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,
You can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I’m the hot, salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face.
Just look for me, Mommy, I’m everyplace!
Author Unknown
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Author Unknown
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I though of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven’s
gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I’ve promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day,
there’s no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.
David M. Romano
To All Parents
by Edgar Guest
"I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.
Untitled
Mother, please don’t mourn for me;
I’m still here, though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I’m always near
I’m everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I’ll never wander out of your sight.
I’m the brightest stat on a summer night.
I’ll never be beyond your reach.
I’m the warm, moist sand when you’re at the beach.
I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around
And the pure, white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you are so fond.
The clear, cool water in a quiet pond.
I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring;
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
And you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,
You can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I’m the hot, salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face.
Just look for me, Mommy, I’m everyplace!
Author Unknown
Dear Elena
I went to school with the entire Shapiro family. I knew Elena as a little girl with a dancing dream. I went to school with her loving sister Biby.
Dear Elena,
Your family misses you tiny dancer,
I can't even imagine.
Your mama, your sister, your brother.
I know your heart from your family's,
The love your sister reached out to me,
When I was relearning family.
You are a gem among gems,
And your sparkle will be missed.
We will look for that gleam in the
Rain, in the dew, in the stars, in the
Bright eyes of a niece.
Heaven shines so bright and draws us
Home. Closer to a Father we are
Struggling to understand.
Closer to those who we miss and long to hold. You are so loved. And I know you
Can hear your mother's heart aching.
And the hurt in your siblings.
What else can they do when you were so
Quickly snatched from us and left us like
We were dreaming.
Of a little girl in point shoes and tutus,
Bobby pins and dress rehersals,
The days of nutcrackers to swans.
Twirl on home but come to guide us at our time to arrive.
Dance close to us when we need your grace,
Reminds us that you are near when we cry,
Tiny dancer, dance on forever our dream, a daughter, a sister. Forever our love.
Ooo Shapiros. My heart aches for you. I am so so sorry. I hope my words aren't like some have been for me. I know it's a wee bit selfish, but I really do hope that Elena found my Avery and scooped him up and gave him a sweet kiss and a twirl. I know you ache for her, for anything to keep her here. I have no words for you. And I'm sorry. My love and prayers are with you. Anything I can do you let me know.
Dear Elena,
Your family misses you tiny dancer,
I can't even imagine.
Your mama, your sister, your brother.
I know your heart from your family's,
The love your sister reached out to me,
When I was relearning family.
You are a gem among gems,
And your sparkle will be missed.
We will look for that gleam in the
Rain, in the dew, in the stars, in the
Bright eyes of a niece.
Heaven shines so bright and draws us
Home. Closer to a Father we are
Struggling to understand.
Closer to those who we miss and long to hold. You are so loved. And I know you
Can hear your mother's heart aching.
And the hurt in your siblings.
What else can they do when you were so
Quickly snatched from us and left us like
We were dreaming.
Of a little girl in point shoes and tutus,
Bobby pins and dress rehersals,
The days of nutcrackers to swans.
Twirl on home but come to guide us at our time to arrive.
Dance close to us when we need your grace,
Reminds us that you are near when we cry,
Tiny dancer, dance on forever our dream, a daughter, a sister. Forever our love.
Ooo Shapiros. My heart aches for you. I am so so sorry. I hope my words aren't like some have been for me. I know it's a wee bit selfish, but I really do hope that Elena found my Avery and scooped him up and gave him a sweet kiss and a twirl. I know you ache for her, for anything to keep her here. I have no words for you. And I'm sorry. My love and prayers are with you. Anything I can do you let me know.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Info
I talk about them so you should know;
http://www.takeajourney.org/home
That's an amazing church. So go.
Why I really try to not cuss or gossip or speak poorly:
Proverbs 10: 6, 8-14, 18-21, 23, 31-32
And of course
James 3:3-6
Even in my own house and living room.
Carry the light always or don't carry it at all.
http://www.takeajourney.org/home
That's an amazing church. So go.
Why I really try to not cuss or gossip or speak poorly:
Proverbs 10: 6, 8-14, 18-21, 23, 31-32
And of course
James 3:3-6
Even in my own house and living room.
Carry the light always or don't carry it at all.
Called out!
So I wrote a blog not to long ago about living a quiet life and keeping to myself. It's safe, quiet and drama free. Then Jimmy had to call me out this morning at church.
If you haven't put your roots into a church yet, let me start off by telling you several things first. Journey church in Raleigh NC is a great place to start. It is a large church but you're not going to get lost. They don't just greet you, the recognize right away if you're new and get you settled. If you let them, they will take care of you. Pastor Jimmy and Paul both called me the week I first came. And I wanted to blend in.
You need to have a church family. Church isn't like putting on purfume or cologne. If you thinking going to church on sunday saves your soul or fullfills the duties of a Christian you're terribly misguided. It's not about religion, like Jimmy will tell you, it's about a relationship. If you wouldn't want to be married to someone you only spent Sunday with then how can you be ok with just making Sunday your day with the one who saved your soul?
Hosea 2:16. It's on my ankle, look it up and figure it out.
I feel passionately about this, because it's the gospel truth. God held the original Chrisitians like Paul and Matthew in prision or put to death. The least you can do is carry Him in your heart everyday and to those around you.
And get with your Church family. I have gotten through my tough patches the best with them. With my grandfather, I turned to myself and people who did nothing but loose me farther from myself and the truth. It was easy, but I lost even more of myself.
So what if you don't know them. If you have a reason, an excuse, you have fear. Grow some balls, take a chance, stop being scared. I think those who are closer to the truth probably have a stronger shoulder and can grasp your heart more than those who could careless about seeing you after you're gone. If your friends haven't given much thought to your soul and are more concerned with the plans for the weekend you have some pretty bad friends. And I mean that.
I could go on forever, someday I'm going to, but not right now.
As I was saying, Jimmy called me out. I can't carry a banner in my living room or just in my limited group of friends.
My fear is getting caught up in it and be worried about things that aren't worthy of my bother.
But God put this on my heart today; Be among but not a part.
So in other words, be there as a friend but don't be a part of the unholy sin. Sin is an action, an intent. I don't have to be a part of that. I can be a light in the darkness. A truth among lies. Soap to the dirt and water to the fire.
God also put my motto on my heart; the banner for my fight, I suppose. I know He will be directing me more on what it is sepcifically in coming time;
Live in light, chase the darkness.
I'm gonna. I will be the friend that holds up the mirror. I will be the light even among believers, because I really get disgusted by that. I really would rather a person who doesn't know or says they're a Christian and makes poor choices, then one who calls themselves a Christian and makes choices in opposition. Those who showup on Sunday and don't pay attention to the surmon, make bad decions and then try and justify it with "biblical"passages. Do it all or none of it at all. What's the worth of saying you're something when you're only partly that way.
His son hung on the cross for you and you're only going to give yourself to Him when it suites you?? Come on!! Give me a frigging break!
I have a lot to sort out before I really start my actual mission. A lot I have to get straight in my own life before I go on. There's school to be done too. But I'm ready. There will be more to be said, but when God's made me ready.
His time, His plan. I give it to the one who knows more and better than me. Than us all.
If you haven't put your roots into a church yet, let me start off by telling you several things first. Journey church in Raleigh NC is a great place to start. It is a large church but you're not going to get lost. They don't just greet you, the recognize right away if you're new and get you settled. If you let them, they will take care of you. Pastor Jimmy and Paul both called me the week I first came. And I wanted to blend in.
You need to have a church family. Church isn't like putting on purfume or cologne. If you thinking going to church on sunday saves your soul or fullfills the duties of a Christian you're terribly misguided. It's not about religion, like Jimmy will tell you, it's about a relationship. If you wouldn't want to be married to someone you only spent Sunday with then how can you be ok with just making Sunday your day with the one who saved your soul?
Hosea 2:16. It's on my ankle, look it up and figure it out.
I feel passionately about this, because it's the gospel truth. God held the original Chrisitians like Paul and Matthew in prision or put to death. The least you can do is carry Him in your heart everyday and to those around you.
And get with your Church family. I have gotten through my tough patches the best with them. With my grandfather, I turned to myself and people who did nothing but loose me farther from myself and the truth. It was easy, but I lost even more of myself.
So what if you don't know them. If you have a reason, an excuse, you have fear. Grow some balls, take a chance, stop being scared. I think those who are closer to the truth probably have a stronger shoulder and can grasp your heart more than those who could careless about seeing you after you're gone. If your friends haven't given much thought to your soul and are more concerned with the plans for the weekend you have some pretty bad friends. And I mean that.
I could go on forever, someday I'm going to, but not right now.
As I was saying, Jimmy called me out. I can't carry a banner in my living room or just in my limited group of friends.
My fear is getting caught up in it and be worried about things that aren't worthy of my bother.
But God put this on my heart today; Be among but not a part.
So in other words, be there as a friend but don't be a part of the unholy sin. Sin is an action, an intent. I don't have to be a part of that. I can be a light in the darkness. A truth among lies. Soap to the dirt and water to the fire.
God also put my motto on my heart; the banner for my fight, I suppose. I know He will be directing me more on what it is sepcifically in coming time;
Live in light, chase the darkness.
I'm gonna. I will be the friend that holds up the mirror. I will be the light even among believers, because I really get disgusted by that. I really would rather a person who doesn't know or says they're a Christian and makes poor choices, then one who calls themselves a Christian and makes choices in opposition. Those who showup on Sunday and don't pay attention to the surmon, make bad decions and then try and justify it with "biblical"passages. Do it all or none of it at all. What's the worth of saying you're something when you're only partly that way.
His son hung on the cross for you and you're only going to give yourself to Him when it suites you?? Come on!! Give me a frigging break!
I have a lot to sort out before I really start my actual mission. A lot I have to get straight in my own life before I go on. There's school to be done too. But I'm ready. There will be more to be said, but when God's made me ready.
His time, His plan. I give it to the one who knows more and better than me. Than us all.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
God
Hold us all close. I felt you and my boy so close to us on the mountain top today. I'm not angry anymore, but I'm just homesick for Your Kingdom. I'm longing for You to heal me from all the pain of this world and bring me to all the people I love and miss so much. So hold us close God, close to each other and close to You. I miss our Avery boy. I miss You. Send the angels to carry us (psalm 91) so our feet may not ache.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
PLEASE NO MORE SYMPATHY CARDS AND MOMENTOUS!!!
I don't mean to sound rude at all, things are very difficult and I'm back at school and my new position starts up next week and Jared is starting a new job too. We're trying to stay on our A game.
We've been getting way too many momentous too, the house is turning into a shrine. Plus the dates and memorials make his life so final. The house is getting harder and harder to be in. We have one room in the house, the TV room, that doesn't have any Avery stuff, no pictures, no baby, no memorandums. Jared and I literally camp out there.
For our sake, and also for Avery's legacy we're STRONGLY recommending that people donate money to his fund via Cutler Andrews at 919-843-7648 or cutler_andrews@med.unc.edu Even the $5 or so that people spend on sympathy cards.
Sympathy cards are another thing. The words are, sorry, dumb and we have to read over them and realize they're sent because of his death.....it just is a reminder of what happened.
We keep getting them. We haven't checked our mailbox in a week because we dread them. I hope I don't sound awful. I'm not meaning to be. I know people are trying to help but it's not helpful.
It's like a hiccup in our day. We can't stop thinking about him, but we think about his death when we get cards and momentous and so forth so it grips us and pulls us into that pit. Again, seeing those dates and hearing the words, it puts a period after his life and reminds us.
And I feel obligated to write people thank yous back. So it elongates the process even further. And I feel guilty right now because I'm sooooooooooo far behind on cards. But I just can't bring myself to sit down and start writing thank yous for cards about the death of my son.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, do not feel that we are keeping tabs on who sent us cards and who didn't. We literally glance at the names and throw them in the garbage. I don't think we remember anyone who sent us cards, unless there was a gift attached (and I'm again not trying to be rude) then we have that to remind us.
And we understand the gesture. But please just to give it all to his fund. He died almost a month and a half ago and we're trying to heal and move forward.
NO MORE. Please, NO MORE.
There have been very few donations to the fund, and that is our primary focus. It's a way to celebrate his life and not commorate his death!!!!!!! DONATE TO THE FUND!! Please please please! We get names of those who donated so see? There's two in one! We get the note that you're thinking of us and you can put the $2-$5 towards something great!
I don't mean to put anyone in a bad spot or to be rude at all. It's just extremely difficult. They have me running ragged at school because if I sit still with nothing to do I just burst into tears.
So just pass the word along. Please?
We've been getting way too many momentous too, the house is turning into a shrine. Plus the dates and memorials make his life so final. The house is getting harder and harder to be in. We have one room in the house, the TV room, that doesn't have any Avery stuff, no pictures, no baby, no memorandums. Jared and I literally camp out there.
For our sake, and also for Avery's legacy we're STRONGLY recommending that people donate money to his fund via Cutler Andrews at 919-843-7648 or cutler_andrews@med.unc.edu Even the $5 or so that people spend on sympathy cards.
Sympathy cards are another thing. The words are, sorry, dumb and we have to read over them and realize they're sent because of his death.....it just is a reminder of what happened.
We keep getting them. We haven't checked our mailbox in a week because we dread them. I hope I don't sound awful. I'm not meaning to be. I know people are trying to help but it's not helpful.
It's like a hiccup in our day. We can't stop thinking about him, but we think about his death when we get cards and momentous and so forth so it grips us and pulls us into that pit. Again, seeing those dates and hearing the words, it puts a period after his life and reminds us.
And I feel obligated to write people thank yous back. So it elongates the process even further. And I feel guilty right now because I'm sooooooooooo far behind on cards. But I just can't bring myself to sit down and start writing thank yous for cards about the death of my son.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, do not feel that we are keeping tabs on who sent us cards and who didn't. We literally glance at the names and throw them in the garbage. I don't think we remember anyone who sent us cards, unless there was a gift attached (and I'm again not trying to be rude) then we have that to remind us.
And we understand the gesture. But please just to give it all to his fund. He died almost a month and a half ago and we're trying to heal and move forward.
NO MORE. Please, NO MORE.
There have been very few donations to the fund, and that is our primary focus. It's a way to celebrate his life and not commorate his death!!!!!!! DONATE TO THE FUND!! Please please please! We get names of those who donated so see? There's two in one! We get the note that you're thinking of us and you can put the $2-$5 towards something great!
I don't mean to put anyone in a bad spot or to be rude at all. It's just extremely difficult. They have me running ragged at school because if I sit still with nothing to do I just burst into tears.
So just pass the word along. Please?
There is nothing
There is nothing as Great as God.
For your tears He has already cried.
He will lift the fallen up on wings of eagles.
If He brings you to it He will bring you through it.
We are created in His image. Our bodies minds and souls. So,
What we feel, He feels more, what we know, He knows more.
We are just just a reflection, just a mirror. We aren't even tangiable to His being.
I can't imagine His heartache, I can't imagine His joy.
Where I fall He falls harder. Where I rejoice He rejoices even more.
Heart of my own heart. Light in my soul. Come come and carry me home.
Things that I have been clinging to: the story of Job, David and the son he lost in second Samuels. The love of Hosea, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran says this on Pain and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the image at the end of Our Lord:
And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
I love that. I love it. It's so true. God cries with us. Our great Father knows our pain as His own. And as He is Greater than us His Pain, what He feels for us is greater.
Just my thought of the day. As I cried my usual cry into work, which I know sounds so manic, I'm crying and praising God, smiling and being so hurt, singing and missing. Do not fain, because He knows.
I love you Avery. I miss you sweet boy.
For your tears He has already cried.
He will lift the fallen up on wings of eagles.
If He brings you to it He will bring you through it.
We are created in His image. Our bodies minds and souls. So,
What we feel, He feels more, what we know, He knows more.
We are just just a reflection, just a mirror. We aren't even tangiable to His being.
I can't imagine His heartache, I can't imagine His joy.
Where I fall He falls harder. Where I rejoice He rejoices even more.
Heart of my own heart. Light in my soul. Come come and carry me home.
Things that I have been clinging to: the story of Job, David and the son he lost in second Samuels. The love of Hosea, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran says this on Pain and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the image at the end of Our Lord:
And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
I love that. I love it. It's so true. God cries with us. Our great Father knows our pain as His own. And as He is Greater than us His Pain, what He feels for us is greater.
Just my thought of the day. As I cried my usual cry into work, which I know sounds so manic, I'm crying and praising God, smiling and being so hurt, singing and missing. Do not fain, because He knows.
I love you Avery. I miss you sweet boy.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Little Love
My Sweet Boy
Hey Buddy
Wee Laddie
Avery Boy
Sweet Little Love
Smiley Boy
Angel Mine
I miss him. And I'm sick of advise from people who have no understanding. I know they're trying to help. But please stop. Please please please. If you haven't gone through this there's no way of knowing.
I feel God holding me close. I feel it, I believe it but it doesn't ease the ache.
He is Great. I know that. I know I'm standing and loving and smiling still because He is great.
But I miss you Avery Boy. I love you. Mommy's had a rough 2 days. Just hold me close little love. Just hold me close.
Hey Buddy
Wee Laddie
Avery Boy
Sweet Little Love
Smiley Boy
Angel Mine
I miss him. And I'm sick of advise from people who have no understanding. I know they're trying to help. But please stop. Please please please. If you haven't gone through this there's no way of knowing.
I feel God holding me close. I feel it, I believe it but it doesn't ease the ache.
He is Great. I know that. I know I'm standing and loving and smiling still because He is great.
But I miss you Avery Boy. I love you. Mommy's had a rough 2 days. Just hold me close little love. Just hold me close.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
147
You are 147 days old tonight at 11:37pm. Our cameo came today, it's beautiful but a million of them couldn't touch your beauty and worth to me. My sweet baby boy, I feel like there is a hole in my body. Avery, send the angels tonight to hold your mommy, because I can't do it alone. I love you so much, I miss you sweet boy. Heaven feels so far away, so send the angels my little love. Send the angels Avery boy. I love you, I miss you.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Disclosure
So I suppose I should state the obvious.
I have always had just a spattering of friends my entire life. Just a few. It suites me well. I like doing my quiet activites; reading, writting, watching cheesy tv shows, cooking, daydreaming. I get in relationships and the number of friends gets even smaller. I have enough energy devoted to one person and I'm an in it to win it type gal. With all relationshis, if I can't take your 4 am phone call then I'm not going to have you think I can, again, all or nothing. That's just the way I am.
On top of it, I have a running history of people walking out on me in my time of need. "She can handle it, she's strong." aka, that's too much for me to handle so just leave her to it. Which is ok. I'd rather nothing than half-hearted attempts.
Further, a lot of the drama that comes with multiple friends in the same circle just drives me bonkers. Let me say, if fancy reasturants make me uncomfortable thinking about what many other uses I could do with the money, then he said she said crazy talk makes my tummy knot. Grown people wasting their time and energy and brain cells on such wicked and stupid games makes me ill. I tend to just ignor it or not respond, leave or just never make myself avaliable to the person or their phone call.
That's why I keep my distance. Why some friends haven't heard from me in a few years and some people can't seem to get me out of the house. I don't miss the crap. Sure it's quiet, but it also keeps my mind, mouth and energy focused on more worthy causes. Like real issues, Christ and more intellectually stimulating things.
There was a period of time after I graduated, ended my long and twisted relationship and watched my grandfather die that I stepped out of me to not be part of the pain and hurt that existed in my quiet time. Truthfully I did get mingled in that stuff because it made me feel better about where I was. I remember looking at my friend Lilly the Feburary after my gpa died and saying, "when I'm pushing 30 I don't want to be anywhere close to where these people are." She said "well then stop hanging out with them" so I did!
My birthday was kind of my last hurrah to all that and I began going back to church and applying to be a teacher. I hid behind Jared, but truthfully a lot of it was just me not wanting to deal with it anymore. Loosing my job was a blessing in disguise; God shoved me out of that world completely.
I don't miss it at all. I have a close group of friends that I trust. I stay mainly at home with my cup of tea and read through my philosphy and classic lit books. It's quiet, mature, God centered and intellectually stimulating. Dumb things are said, buts mainly my blonde and naive moments I have with Jared and his folks.
I have done enough living in 24 years there is little more I'm interested in experiencing. I lost my son and am spending most of my evenings reading the Bible and studies and watching my DVR. Call me a looser but I like it. I don't need to experience remidial crap from highschool. I didn't even enjoy highschool.
I'm healing from my sons death but I also have no interest in healing towards being anything but a mature, God centered and nerdy, yes nerdy person. Called it introspective and aloof, but I'd much rather that then remidial and self centered.
There is a situation, several, where Avery's death has made me have to talk to individuals and the he said she said crap has come up. I don't care who said what, I don't want any part of anyside of it at all. There are far more important things (that should clearly go without saying,) that I have going on. And will have going on for the rest of my life.
My definition of friendship is close and intimate. I don't really care to have a whole bunch of people like me. I'm me, I have people that do love me and God loves me and made me who I am so it's gotta be good right? Besides, I'm the mommy to an angel and an educator. I've gotta be awesome. Haha.
I want to live a testimony for Christ. I want to be a light to His kingdom. There's certain decisions I make to help me focus on that. Call me stuck up, but I make good choices conciously, so thank you. I'm definintly not perfect, but I'm trying to focus my direction that way.
I've learned that people are people, regardless of them being friends or family or aquantances. And we choose to allow them to keep hurting us or not. I forgive, but I'm unable to conciously let people be repeat offenders. I sleep well at night knowing I'm honest and fair to the best of my abilities to all. More people should try harder to do the same.
On a lighter but more loving note I'm so grateful to the following people;
Malia, Lilly, Jessica M and Jessica H.
Jared's family
Jared
My little brother
The UNC NICU department and Mya
Little Stepping Stones and my family there
Journey Church and my family there
Cooper Elementary and my family there
I love you. You help me smile daily. Thank you. And you have done so much more than I can ever thank you for.
I love you Avery. I miss you, and the nuttiness of this world makes me miss you more.
I have always had just a spattering of friends my entire life. Just a few. It suites me well. I like doing my quiet activites; reading, writting, watching cheesy tv shows, cooking, daydreaming. I get in relationships and the number of friends gets even smaller. I have enough energy devoted to one person and I'm an in it to win it type gal. With all relationshis, if I can't take your 4 am phone call then I'm not going to have you think I can, again, all or nothing. That's just the way I am.
On top of it, I have a running history of people walking out on me in my time of need. "She can handle it, she's strong." aka, that's too much for me to handle so just leave her to it. Which is ok. I'd rather nothing than half-hearted attempts.
Further, a lot of the drama that comes with multiple friends in the same circle just drives me bonkers. Let me say, if fancy reasturants make me uncomfortable thinking about what many other uses I could do with the money, then he said she said crazy talk makes my tummy knot. Grown people wasting their time and energy and brain cells on such wicked and stupid games makes me ill. I tend to just ignor it or not respond, leave or just never make myself avaliable to the person or their phone call.
That's why I keep my distance. Why some friends haven't heard from me in a few years and some people can't seem to get me out of the house. I don't miss the crap. Sure it's quiet, but it also keeps my mind, mouth and energy focused on more worthy causes. Like real issues, Christ and more intellectually stimulating things.
There was a period of time after I graduated, ended my long and twisted relationship and watched my grandfather die that I stepped out of me to not be part of the pain and hurt that existed in my quiet time. Truthfully I did get mingled in that stuff because it made me feel better about where I was. I remember looking at my friend Lilly the Feburary after my gpa died and saying, "when I'm pushing 30 I don't want to be anywhere close to where these people are." She said "well then stop hanging out with them" so I did!
My birthday was kind of my last hurrah to all that and I began going back to church and applying to be a teacher. I hid behind Jared, but truthfully a lot of it was just me not wanting to deal with it anymore. Loosing my job was a blessing in disguise; God shoved me out of that world completely.
I don't miss it at all. I have a close group of friends that I trust. I stay mainly at home with my cup of tea and read through my philosphy and classic lit books. It's quiet, mature, God centered and intellectually stimulating. Dumb things are said, buts mainly my blonde and naive moments I have with Jared and his folks.
I have done enough living in 24 years there is little more I'm interested in experiencing. I lost my son and am spending most of my evenings reading the Bible and studies and watching my DVR. Call me a looser but I like it. I don't need to experience remidial crap from highschool. I didn't even enjoy highschool.
I'm healing from my sons death but I also have no interest in healing towards being anything but a mature, God centered and nerdy, yes nerdy person. Called it introspective and aloof, but I'd much rather that then remidial and self centered.
There is a situation, several, where Avery's death has made me have to talk to individuals and the he said she said crap has come up. I don't care who said what, I don't want any part of anyside of it at all. There are far more important things (that should clearly go without saying,) that I have going on. And will have going on for the rest of my life.
My definition of friendship is close and intimate. I don't really care to have a whole bunch of people like me. I'm me, I have people that do love me and God loves me and made me who I am so it's gotta be good right? Besides, I'm the mommy to an angel and an educator. I've gotta be awesome. Haha.
I want to live a testimony for Christ. I want to be a light to His kingdom. There's certain decisions I make to help me focus on that. Call me stuck up, but I make good choices conciously, so thank you. I'm definintly not perfect, but I'm trying to focus my direction that way.
I've learned that people are people, regardless of them being friends or family or aquantances. And we choose to allow them to keep hurting us or not. I forgive, but I'm unable to conciously let people be repeat offenders. I sleep well at night knowing I'm honest and fair to the best of my abilities to all. More people should try harder to do the same.
On a lighter but more loving note I'm so grateful to the following people;
Malia, Lilly, Jessica M and Jessica H.
Jared's family
Jared
My little brother
The UNC NICU department and Mya
Little Stepping Stones and my family there
Journey Church and my family there
Cooper Elementary and my family there
I love you. You help me smile daily. Thank you. And you have done so much more than I can ever thank you for.
I love you Avery. I miss you, and the nuttiness of this world makes me miss you more.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Living a Book
I hated the book of Job growing up. What kind of God would make a bet with the devil and prove a point like that? How vein and self serving.
Then I took a theology class on the Book of Job for a full semester at Unc. It was a seminar, so it was in a very intimate setting with just a handful of folks. We studied from a purely academic and philosophical study. Which was amazing but still difficult.
This morning Smooth spoke on Job. My life has always put this book in front of me and now I'm aching for it.
I told Pastor Jimmy I'm ready for God to start to use me more actively. In what ever calling that is I know Hosea and Job will be spoken about a bunch.
Then I took a theology class on the Book of Job for a full semester at Unc. It was a seminar, so it was in a very intimate setting with just a handful of folks. We studied from a purely academic and philosophical study. Which was amazing but still difficult.
This morning Smooth spoke on Job. My life has always put this book in front of me and now I'm aching for it.
I told Pastor Jimmy I'm ready for God to start to use me more actively. In what ever calling that is I know Hosea and Job will be spoken about a bunch.
No more please!!
Please no more Avery momentoes. We know they're from a very sweet and special place but we don't need any more. We encourage that people do not invest more in material things, because they're not anything that can bring him back. Do something to truly honor him and donate to his research fund. 1 out of every 2000 babies is born with gastroschisis, but little to nothing is known about it. Do not let his life be in vain, and our house a shrine to the flesh!! Help doctors help other Averys and Rauens! Contact Cutler Andrews and dontate! The info is on this page under my information.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Beginning
Everyday is like I'm beginning again. Learning friends again, smiling and living again. I have to but I don't want to. I don't like learning about life with you as an angel.
Avery ask God for a favor, to steep happiness and joy into our lives again. Make in our furture, us parents.
I miss you Avery. As much today as the day you left. I love you.
Avery ask God for a favor, to steep happiness and joy into our lives again. Make in our furture, us parents.
I miss you Avery. As much today as the day you left. I love you.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Good Morning
Good Morning God.
It is a beautiful morning. I feel you moving in my spirit, the windows down, the music playing, moving me from the inside out. Sometimes my tears blind me from what you create outside me, but I still see what's behind my tears.
I don't know why you make me carry this, but I carry it for you. I can't carry it for myself. I don't want to carry it for myself.
You are great. In this pain you are still great. There is love in friends, in new family. There is love still in me and the motivation to help Your kingdom, to face the day and give you glory.
I have purpose to my pain because it is for you; I suffer so others may see you.
I cry, but you make me stand. I hurt but you make me get up out of bed, I am lost, but you make me smile. All that is good in me is God in me.
And you are good.
I sing still, I still turn up the music. Nothing can take that away, there is still music. I make a joyful noise to you, so that maybe you let my Little Avery look down or hear those sounds that his Mommy made; for him and for you.
And maybe my Grandfather, and maybe my Granddaddy. Maybe my Uncles. Maybe my music is a tiny part of heaven. Maybe I'm there even though I'm not.
The pain of this earth is great, for those who are left behind. But the purpose and the hope of your promise drive my steps.
Grant us healing. Grant us a little joy. Allow hope to steep back into our lives. Direct our steps, our words, our intent, our motions.
We love you God. Allow my son to look over me.
Hold us close God. Heal our hearts.
In Christ name we ask you to deliver on your promise.
Love
Meg
It is a beautiful morning. I feel you moving in my spirit, the windows down, the music playing, moving me from the inside out. Sometimes my tears blind me from what you create outside me, but I still see what's behind my tears.
I don't know why you make me carry this, but I carry it for you. I can't carry it for myself. I don't want to carry it for myself.
You are great. In this pain you are still great. There is love in friends, in new family. There is love still in me and the motivation to help Your kingdom, to face the day and give you glory.
I have purpose to my pain because it is for you; I suffer so others may see you.
I cry, but you make me stand. I hurt but you make me get up out of bed, I am lost, but you make me smile. All that is good in me is God in me.
And you are good.
I sing still, I still turn up the music. Nothing can take that away, there is still music. I make a joyful noise to you, so that maybe you let my Little Avery look down or hear those sounds that his Mommy made; for him and for you.
And maybe my Grandfather, and maybe my Granddaddy. Maybe my Uncles. Maybe my music is a tiny part of heaven. Maybe I'm there even though I'm not.
The pain of this earth is great, for those who are left behind. But the purpose and the hope of your promise drive my steps.
Grant us healing. Grant us a little joy. Allow hope to steep back into our lives. Direct our steps, our words, our intent, our motions.
We love you God. Allow my son to look over me.
Hold us close God. Heal our hearts.
In Christ name we ask you to deliver on your promise.
Love
Meg
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Every Tuesday and Thursday
142 and 35
I live by Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesday he is born again, Thirsdays he dies again.
I worked my fingers to the bone today. I came home and crashed. I jam my days, but there isn't a second, even in the mist of an email, project or coversation that I'm not thinking of him.
Ooo my sweet Avery boy. Your Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. We would give anything to see you and hold you again. My little love.
You were my rainbow for a little while.... Now I'm just passing the days, by Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I love you Avery. And I miss you.
Kisses and hugs to heaven.
Love,
Your Mommy
I live by Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesday he is born again, Thirsdays he dies again.
I worked my fingers to the bone today. I came home and crashed. I jam my days, but there isn't a second, even in the mist of an email, project or coversation that I'm not thinking of him.
Ooo my sweet Avery boy. Your Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. We would give anything to see you and hold you again. My little love.
You were my rainbow for a little while.... Now I'm just passing the days, by Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I love you Avery. And I miss you.
Kisses and hugs to heaven.
Love,
Your Mommy
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
When believing is easy
One of the issues I'm struggling with these days is how believing in Christ is easier for some than others. What I mean to say is, how many people have had to truly wrestle with God, and how many have just lived a comparably easy life and believing in Christ just came naturally. So many of the worship songs lift spirits in this way, talking about how the fullness of life wasn't discovered until Christ filled their life, directed and took hold. But how often do you get a Jeremy Camp song like, I still believe, that talks about believing Christ in the most bitter of times. I'm sure many people look at my life and think I'm crazy for following Christ. Everything one would never want to happen in their lives has happened to me SINCE I've been Saved. So I suppose a person could think I'm completely off my mark.
Well I want to say two things to these two different people;
What can you tell someone when they turn to you and ask where God's hand is in the places of pure apparent neglect; think on children of extreme abuse, countries and families distroyed by genocide and astounding poverty and deprevation. What will you say to these people? The ones who are in it and the ones who see it?
The other person I ask; what sense is it to believe or have reason to hold onto a dogma only when your life is good or well? If the cup always holds water, it's still a cup and holds the same function with or without water. The beauty is that God still exist, in the mist of it all.
I realize that everything I ascribe to that leads me through a day seems to be the "Purple Coolaide" Jesus talk and let me throw this out there as fact;
There is nothing by means of logical consistency (meaning a valid and sound argument) to prove the existence of God.
Simple English: Logically God doesn't make sense.
He doesn't necessarily follow; there isn't a logical game you can play to make Him make sense.
I studied Philosophy in school. I was also a beginning Christian at this point too. I love logic and did quite well in my concentration which was Value Theory, or applied Ethics.
Christians should stop trying to prove God exists through Science and Logic. Because we won't win and guess what;
THAT'S OK!
The truth is when there is a challenge like that, the wrong questions are being asked.
It's not our responsibility to prove to people that God exist. It's our responsibilty to expose His purpose in our lives and what He offers.
God proves Himself directly to those who are sincerely searching.
Do not try to do a God job with human hands. I always conceed the arguement when people ask "Meghan, what about the problem of evil?" They're asking the wrong question. They're not seeking Christ, they're looking for the opposite, things and words to validate their position against God.
Which is ok. Because you know how you prove to them God?
You love them anyway. You pull a Hosea. You're the first person they call in a jam and their best friend. Yes, you tell them about God without saying a single word. And when they tell you thanks, or give you praise you look right back at them and say:
It's not me, it's God in me.
It will be just words at first, crazy talk to them even, but someday it will register. When they have begun to shed their pride, vanities and self regard.
Conceed the argument but win the war. You allow God to do the arguing in what He does through you for them.
Then they'll start asking the real questions.
Well I want to say two things to these two different people;
What can you tell someone when they turn to you and ask where God's hand is in the places of pure apparent neglect; think on children of extreme abuse, countries and families distroyed by genocide and astounding poverty and deprevation. What will you say to these people? The ones who are in it and the ones who see it?
The other person I ask; what sense is it to believe or have reason to hold onto a dogma only when your life is good or well? If the cup always holds water, it's still a cup and holds the same function with or without water. The beauty is that God still exist, in the mist of it all.
I realize that everything I ascribe to that leads me through a day seems to be the "Purple Coolaide" Jesus talk and let me throw this out there as fact;
There is nothing by means of logical consistency (meaning a valid and sound argument) to prove the existence of God.
Simple English: Logically God doesn't make sense.
He doesn't necessarily follow; there isn't a logical game you can play to make Him make sense.
I studied Philosophy in school. I was also a beginning Christian at this point too. I love logic and did quite well in my concentration which was Value Theory, or applied Ethics.
Christians should stop trying to prove God exists through Science and Logic. Because we won't win and guess what;
THAT'S OK!
The truth is when there is a challenge like that, the wrong questions are being asked.
It's not our responsibility to prove to people that God exist. It's our responsibilty to expose His purpose in our lives and what He offers.
God proves Himself directly to those who are sincerely searching.
Do not try to do a God job with human hands. I always conceed the arguement when people ask "Meghan, what about the problem of evil?" They're asking the wrong question. They're not seeking Christ, they're looking for the opposite, things and words to validate their position against God.
Which is ok. Because you know how you prove to them God?
You love them anyway. You pull a Hosea. You're the first person they call in a jam and their best friend. Yes, you tell them about God without saying a single word. And when they tell you thanks, or give you praise you look right back at them and say:
It's not me, it's God in me.
It will be just words at first, crazy talk to them even, but someday it will register. When they have begun to shed their pride, vanities and self regard.
Conceed the argument but win the war. You allow God to do the arguing in what He does through you for them.
Then they'll start asking the real questions.
Ideas on how to help us....what to say
I sound so dag-on depressing. And now I suppose I sound manic, but!
I figured I should state the obvious because the obvious is being missed.....maybe it's not that obvious then?
Everyone keeps saying "Jeez girl! You're so skinny! I wish I could get that way."
Let's just stop and try and figure out why that is. Hahaha. It's call the super stressed diet. So it's really not fun to be this skinny, probably because I'm not eating and sleeping much these days.
So no, I don't think you really wish you could get this way. Right?
I think it's other's times of great sorrow that are the opportunity to learn to think outside of yourself. It's time to have to courage to not relate yourself to another but really try and empathize and walk in anothers shoes. What is that person going through and how would I feel if I was going through that. As opposed to I experienced something similar. Don't relate, empathize.
That being said, if you've lost your baby in a similar to the way I've lost mine, then you know and you are able to relate.
But everyone knows someone who's died, someone that was closely related to you or maybe a friend. But that's nothing like loosing your own child. That type of loss is very sad and troubling. But it's a totally different pain, and a completely different perspective.
I hope that explains a little better why it's not beneficial for someone to try and relate to us, but to empathize.
It is a really scary thing to try and do, and I realize that. Not many people want to think about their lives without their children, or what they would do if their child had passed away. But I'd prefer that over people trying to apply their life to mine right now. And if they can't then just tell me "I think of you."
I can actually see people who have children and try to talk to me actively avoid thinking about what they would be experiencing if this was happening to them. And I get it, because I'm living it. It is too much.
So then if you can't or aren't capable of imagining it, then don't try but go on that. "I can't even imagine because I don't want to think about what I would be going through if this had happened to my child."
You don't know how much healing and help saying that is to me right now. It validates my pain. And you'd be surprised that I do actually need validation sometimes.
I know that my pain can be a burden to some people, that they don't want to be around me right now because it is a lot. So when people validate that it's OK for me to be in a lot of pain, it's very helpful. Because we not only want to be healed for our own pain, we want to heal because we see other people's faces.
And I love that people care. I do. I'm just trying to help you, because I know you're trying to help me. I'm allowing people to understand. I guess?
PLEASE STILL AVOID SAYING;
-He's in a better place.
(Well I know, I'm stuck here, and I want to be with him, as opposed to feeling this way.)
-God needed him. or God needed another angel
(Let's think people, this is GOD we're talking about, and He doesn't need anything. And He could have looked down and seen him whenever He wanted. But I can't.)
- You'll get through this.
(We don't have much of a choice, and that stinks too.)
-I understand.
(AGAIN, unless you have lost your own child, NOT A GRANDCHILD OR NIECE OR NEPHEW, those, although you love them, are not your children, you really have no understanding of the pain that we are going through. And on top of that, you're not me so you aren't able to understand what I'm going through.)
I know people want to help. And instead of shutting people out, which is our instinct, I'm trying to allow people to do what they want. I guess?
I figured I should state the obvious because the obvious is being missed.....maybe it's not that obvious then?
Everyone keeps saying "Jeez girl! You're so skinny! I wish I could get that way."
Let's just stop and try and figure out why that is. Hahaha. It's call the super stressed diet. So it's really not fun to be this skinny, probably because I'm not eating and sleeping much these days.
So no, I don't think you really wish you could get this way. Right?
I think it's other's times of great sorrow that are the opportunity to learn to think outside of yourself. It's time to have to courage to not relate yourself to another but really try and empathize and walk in anothers shoes. What is that person going through and how would I feel if I was going through that. As opposed to I experienced something similar. Don't relate, empathize.
That being said, if you've lost your baby in a similar to the way I've lost mine, then you know and you are able to relate.
But everyone knows someone who's died, someone that was closely related to you or maybe a friend. But that's nothing like loosing your own child. That type of loss is very sad and troubling. But it's a totally different pain, and a completely different perspective.
I hope that explains a little better why it's not beneficial for someone to try and relate to us, but to empathize.
It is a really scary thing to try and do, and I realize that. Not many people want to think about their lives without their children, or what they would do if their child had passed away. But I'd prefer that over people trying to apply their life to mine right now. And if they can't then just tell me "I think of you."
I can actually see people who have children and try to talk to me actively avoid thinking about what they would be experiencing if this was happening to them. And I get it, because I'm living it. It is too much.
So then if you can't or aren't capable of imagining it, then don't try but go on that. "I can't even imagine because I don't want to think about what I would be going through if this had happened to my child."
You don't know how much healing and help saying that is to me right now. It validates my pain. And you'd be surprised that I do actually need validation sometimes.
I know that my pain can be a burden to some people, that they don't want to be around me right now because it is a lot. So when people validate that it's OK for me to be in a lot of pain, it's very helpful. Because we not only want to be healed for our own pain, we want to heal because we see other people's faces.
And I love that people care. I do. I'm just trying to help you, because I know you're trying to help me. I'm allowing people to understand. I guess?
PLEASE STILL AVOID SAYING;
-He's in a better place.
(Well I know, I'm stuck here, and I want to be with him, as opposed to feeling this way.)
-God needed him. or God needed another angel
(Let's think people, this is GOD we're talking about, and He doesn't need anything. And He could have looked down and seen him whenever He wanted. But I can't.)
- You'll get through this.
(We don't have much of a choice, and that stinks too.)
-I understand.
(AGAIN, unless you have lost your own child, NOT A GRANDCHILD OR NIECE OR NEPHEW, those, although you love them, are not your children, you really have no understanding of the pain that we are going through. And on top of that, you're not me so you aren't able to understand what I'm going through.)
I know people want to help. And instead of shutting people out, which is our instinct, I'm trying to allow people to do what they want. I guess?
Hurt
God it is you who are Almighty. Not me. Not Jared. It is you who are capable of all things. Not me, not Jared. Why did you hand this to us? Your Son you sent to die. We are blessed because of it. But You are Almighty and all capable. You are infinite and can handle it. We are not. Then why our son? I follow you blindly. I'm fumbling for you blinded by my tears and the ones I cry for Jared's hurt. But I don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want healing. Healing for us, healing for Jared. Send us a rainbow, send us the end of the storm. It is through Your hands and Your hands only that we can be whole. Send us the sun. Lord God I beseech You in my pain, I beseech You as You raise Your garden sheers, let us heal, let us grow a little wild in Your Love. As You are to our growth You are to our pruning (The Prophet Khalil Gibran) allow us relief from Your pruning. Allow us blossoming, for our hearts are recoiling from Your touch.
LORD I GIVE YOU ALL THE GLORY, for the life I still have and the Love I still have to give. Grant us healing. Grant us peace. Draw us close.
We miss our boy. It is an honor to love like we do and to carry Your light in our devotion to each other. Please allow this to thrive and survive in our healing. God I see You in my Son, I see You in Jared and in the love we have. Allow us to carry that to the world.
God I beg, I plead and I ask you grant these favors in Your Son's precious Name.
And when there is joy in our lives, let our son peek through the clouds to see us.
We love you.
Amen
LORD I GIVE YOU ALL THE GLORY, for the life I still have and the Love I still have to give. Grant us healing. Grant us peace. Draw us close.
We miss our boy. It is an honor to love like we do and to carry Your light in our devotion to each other. Please allow this to thrive and survive in our healing. God I see You in my Son, I see You in Jared and in the love we have. Allow us to carry that to the world.
God I beg, I plead and I ask you grant these favors in Your Son's precious Name.
And when there is joy in our lives, let our son peek through the clouds to see us.
We love you.
Amen
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Todayish
I'm not mad at God any more.
I just miss my little boy so much. I'm struggling to figure out where I am.
But I praise the Lord God Most High. For He gives me the days and the nights. He gives me the smiles in my friends and my little brother. He gives me the strength and love of friends. Above all He gives me the gift of Jared. His love, his strength his life.
He gave me the gift of a little boy who will live forever in my heart and mind.
He gives me the gift of strength and good will. He gives me the ability to love and praise Him through it all.
He brings me to it and He will bring me through it.
Though I struggle and I weep, though I hurt and crumble, He will gather me again.
For my tears are His own. My heartache He knows and feels too.
My son left me as His Son hung on the cross. And although I struggle and tell Him I'm not cut out to be a Mary, a Job or a Hosea, He tells me to die to myself and let Him live through me.
I stand but I stand in Christ. It's not me that you see. It's Christ in me.
I miss my little boy. I miss my little hero, my sweet boy, our buddy. The pain throws me to my knees.
All I can say is that He gives and takes away. And I praise Him through it all. For it is all Great.
I just miss my little boy so much. I'm struggling to figure out where I am.
But I praise the Lord God Most High. For He gives me the days and the nights. He gives me the smiles in my friends and my little brother. He gives me the strength and love of friends. Above all He gives me the gift of Jared. His love, his strength his life.
He gave me the gift of a little boy who will live forever in my heart and mind.
He gives me the gift of strength and good will. He gives me the ability to love and praise Him through it all.
He brings me to it and He will bring me through it.
Though I struggle and I weep, though I hurt and crumble, He will gather me again.
For my tears are His own. My heartache He knows and feels too.
My son left me as His Son hung on the cross. And although I struggle and tell Him I'm not cut out to be a Mary, a Job or a Hosea, He tells me to die to myself and let Him live through me.
I stand but I stand in Christ. It's not me that you see. It's Christ in me.
I miss my little boy. I miss my little hero, my sweet boy, our buddy. The pain throws me to my knees.
All I can say is that He gives and takes away. And I praise Him through it all. For it is all Great.
Part VII
July 27 2009
Dear Friends and Family,
Yesterday they did a CAT scan and an EEG on Avery because he wasn't waking up from taking him off his sedation. We didn't have their official report until this morning, they didn't find any brain activity. They are going to repeat the EEG tomorrow in the morning to give his body more time to lose the meds and make sure. A miracle is what he needs. They've told us things before that he has surprised us with the opposite. We are clinging to that right now. Please no phone calls right now. Just continue to pray! 1 John 5:3
Love,Meg, Jared and Amazing Avery
July 30th 2009
Avery John Rauen went to be his mommy and daddy's special guardian angel on 7/30/09 late in the evening. Mommy and Daddy got to finally take their boy outside to the UNC butterfly garden where he was picked up from his mother by the angels. In liu of flowers please donate to the Avery John Rauen Memorial Gastroschsis Research Fund through Cutler Andrews at 919-843-7648 or cutler_andrews@med.unc.edu
There wasn't anything there. I remember on the 27th the doctor looked at us and told us they didn't see any thing. He wouldn't have even been a vegetable. We had healed his body but he had left to go home. We spent the week trying to grasp what was going on. They allowed us to push the last EEG to Thursday morning, we were hoping for anything. I realized that he was gone on Weds. I knew his little body would follow close behind his mind, and I just wanted him to have some peace. Jared was beside himself, still fighting. Every night we would search the internet for miracle stories. There weren't any for completely brain-dead people. We clung to each other crying every night. It felt like a dream. The world was swirling around us. We had gone from a bouncy little boy to a shell. We couldn't figure out how we had gotten here. It was so far away from what had been promised, what we had hoped for.
His service was on August 3rd. I planned it as best I could. The first hour were DVDs of our sweet boy while friends and my little brother played music we had shared. Soon by Hillsong, lullabies I sang to him; Baby of Mine from Dumbo, La la lu from Lady and the Tramp, Angel Standing by by Jewel, a lullabye I wrote for him and Anthony Clayborne arranged for us, Be Thou My Vision, The End of The World arranged by Nina Gordon, The Swan, Simple Gifts, Lark Ascending, Ave Maria (a song from his mobile.) Our pastors spoke of our fight. Jared's dad spoke about our journey and the family we created. My stand-in mother Lisa Bower read a letter I wrote to Avery in November of 2008 while I was pregnant with him.
My little man. How did we get to this point? Where is the life that I knew?
Dear Friends and Family,
Yesterday they did a CAT scan and an EEG on Avery because he wasn't waking up from taking him off his sedation. We didn't have their official report until this morning, they didn't find any brain activity. They are going to repeat the EEG tomorrow in the morning to give his body more time to lose the meds and make sure. A miracle is what he needs. They've told us things before that he has surprised us with the opposite. We are clinging to that right now. Please no phone calls right now. Just continue to pray! 1 John 5:3
Love,Meg, Jared and Amazing Avery
July 30th 2009
Avery John Rauen went to be his mommy and daddy's special guardian angel on 7/30/09 late in the evening. Mommy and Daddy got to finally take their boy outside to the UNC butterfly garden where he was picked up from his mother by the angels. In liu of flowers please donate to the Avery John Rauen Memorial Gastroschsis Research Fund through Cutler Andrews at 919-843-7648 or cutler_andrews@med.unc.edu
There wasn't anything there. I remember on the 27th the doctor looked at us and told us they didn't see any thing. He wouldn't have even been a vegetable. We had healed his body but he had left to go home. We spent the week trying to grasp what was going on. They allowed us to push the last EEG to Thursday morning, we were hoping for anything. I realized that he was gone on Weds. I knew his little body would follow close behind his mind, and I just wanted him to have some peace. Jared was beside himself, still fighting. Every night we would search the internet for miracle stories. There weren't any for completely brain-dead people. We clung to each other crying every night. It felt like a dream. The world was swirling around us. We had gone from a bouncy little boy to a shell. We couldn't figure out how we had gotten here. It was so far away from what had been promised, what we had hoped for.
His service was on August 3rd. I planned it as best I could. The first hour were DVDs of our sweet boy while friends and my little brother played music we had shared. Soon by Hillsong, lullabies I sang to him; Baby of Mine from Dumbo, La la lu from Lady and the Tramp, Angel Standing by by Jewel, a lullabye I wrote for him and Anthony Clayborne arranged for us, Be Thou My Vision, The End of The World arranged by Nina Gordon, The Swan, Simple Gifts, Lark Ascending, Ave Maria (a song from his mobile.) Our pastors spoke of our fight. Jared's dad spoke about our journey and the family we created. My stand-in mother Lisa Bower read a letter I wrote to Avery in November of 2008 while I was pregnant with him.
My little man. How did we get to this point? Where is the life that I knew?
Part VI
July 21st -
They performed the emergency surgery this morning. Half of his small intestine had died so they removed that and a blood clot on his kidney. The next 24 hours are important as they expect that he may get sick like last Tuesday. Praying efforts are important now. Psalm 91:9 is what we're clinging to. God lives. Petition for his life. LoveMeg
Date: Wed, Jul 22, 2009 at 11:43 AMSubject: Today
My cell phone is probably going to die today, I left my charger at the house. We had to leave on Monday to give the room to discharges but were allowed to come back yesterday, especially with his operation.
Now that things are beginning to calm down I can be a little more myself and less clinical.
The operation was good in the sense that he pulled through and was much more stable than the surgery on Tuesday. He did loose 40% of his small intestine, which for right now is ok. They won't have any way of knowing how it's going to function long term until we get him back up and going. They're going to be letting the lower part of the intestine rest and feed the top part. They repaired the ostomy and made it so won't have to operate until they need to reverse the ostomy. Which is all good. They did have to remove a blood clot they found on one of his kidneys. They think part of the reason he was bleeding so bad with last weeks surgery was because his intestines and gotten so scared that they had stuck to one another and the movement caused them to bleed. During the operation yesterday he coded and we were absolutely freaking out. The vent had gotten disconnected and stopped working but we didn't find that out until after they were done. It felt like angels were holding us, God is very much alive in us right now.
They do not anticipate that he will be off the vent for a few weeks. It's frustrating, but we keep a positive attitude that he's still here and that's all that matters. We have a long way to go. Little steps are so encouraging to us, when they ween him off of some meds, days or half days when he doesn't need blood, platelets or plasma, when his numbers are strong and good, that his coloring is good and so on. He got swollen up again after surgery yesterday but it wasn't as bad as last week and the surgical site hasn't been bleeding, it's just been oozing the mixture of blood and clotting agents like they need it too. Straight dark blood means that it's just bleeding.
We miss our baby blue eyes terribly. We can't wait to hold him and see him like he was just last Monday and Tuesday morning.
We are much encouraged by God. He really has been guiding us and his caretakers. I can't begin to tell you the full majesty of his mercy, strength and power that we've seen. The doctors have been so encouraged and the positivity that Jared and I have been able to maintain is not ourselves, but God alive in us. Every time I search the Word I see Him guiding me and I know beyond a reasonable doubt that he's guiding Avery and has him on a path to do amazing things for the Kingdom. I'm so proud to be his mother.
We are so inspired that people have been donating blood and platelets. Avery has had well over 25 transfusions at this point and gets platelets or plasma around every 12 hours. Donors have saved his life, and we encourage everyone who's asked what they can do to just find your local blood bank, American Red Cross or Hospital and donate. Doesn't matter what blood type, just donate if you're able. UNC hospital number to donate is 919-966-2370. You're saving Avery or someone else's Avery.
We still have a long road to go. Continue praying for us. The prayers have saved Avery's life.
Love to all,
Meg, Jared and AMAZING AVERY
They performed the emergency surgery this morning. Half of his small intestine had died so they removed that and a blood clot on his kidney. The next 24 hours are important as they expect that he may get sick like last Tuesday. Praying efforts are important now. Psalm 91:9 is what we're clinging to. God lives. Petition for his life. LoveMeg
Date: Wed, Jul 22, 2009 at 11:43 AMSubject: Today
My cell phone is probably going to die today, I left my charger at the house. We had to leave on Monday to give the room to discharges but were allowed to come back yesterday, especially with his operation.
Now that things are beginning to calm down I can be a little more myself and less clinical.
The operation was good in the sense that he pulled through and was much more stable than the surgery on Tuesday. He did loose 40% of his small intestine, which for right now is ok. They won't have any way of knowing how it's going to function long term until we get him back up and going. They're going to be letting the lower part of the intestine rest and feed the top part. They repaired the ostomy and made it so won't have to operate until they need to reverse the ostomy. Which is all good. They did have to remove a blood clot they found on one of his kidneys. They think part of the reason he was bleeding so bad with last weeks surgery was because his intestines and gotten so scared that they had stuck to one another and the movement caused them to bleed. During the operation yesterday he coded and we were absolutely freaking out. The vent had gotten disconnected and stopped working but we didn't find that out until after they were done. It felt like angels were holding us, God is very much alive in us right now.
They do not anticipate that he will be off the vent for a few weeks. It's frustrating, but we keep a positive attitude that he's still here and that's all that matters. We have a long way to go. Little steps are so encouraging to us, when they ween him off of some meds, days or half days when he doesn't need blood, platelets or plasma, when his numbers are strong and good, that his coloring is good and so on. He got swollen up again after surgery yesterday but it wasn't as bad as last week and the surgical site hasn't been bleeding, it's just been oozing the mixture of blood and clotting agents like they need it too. Straight dark blood means that it's just bleeding.
We miss our baby blue eyes terribly. We can't wait to hold him and see him like he was just last Monday and Tuesday morning.
We are much encouraged by God. He really has been guiding us and his caretakers. I can't begin to tell you the full majesty of his mercy, strength and power that we've seen. The doctors have been so encouraged and the positivity that Jared and I have been able to maintain is not ourselves, but God alive in us. Every time I search the Word I see Him guiding me and I know beyond a reasonable doubt that he's guiding Avery and has him on a path to do amazing things for the Kingdom. I'm so proud to be his mother.
We are so inspired that people have been donating blood and platelets. Avery has had well over 25 transfusions at this point and gets platelets or plasma around every 12 hours. Donors have saved his life, and we encourage everyone who's asked what they can do to just find your local blood bank, American Red Cross or Hospital and donate. Doesn't matter what blood type, just donate if you're able. UNC hospital number to donate is 919-966-2370. You're saving Avery or someone else's Avery.
We still have a long road to go. Continue praying for us. The prayers have saved Avery's life.
Love to all,
Meg, Jared and AMAZING AVERY
Part V
Dear All-
We are waiting to figure out when they want to take him to the OR next, either later today or tomorrow. Be praying because the doctors have said that there is a very real possibility that we will be right back to where we were last Tuesday. I can't tell you enough how much the prayers are working, please do not stop! Continue to place him on prayer lists and with prayer teams whenever you can. Petition God earnestly for his life and his health, Avery can and will do so many wonderful things for the Kingdom, he has already started to.
Some have asked what they can do, and here's what we've come up with. Avery at a mininmal guestimation has had 10-12 transfusions of blood and 10 transfusions of platelets since Tuesday. Please donate blood but more importantly please donate platelets. The hospital and his nurses have told me that there is a HUGE need for platelets and seeing as Avery has and will need more, there is no bigger gift that you could give right now than that. Because Avery's main issue this time was with clotting factors after surgery, your donation could potentially of platelets could potentially save his life. Avery is B+ so especially if you have B+ blood and are willing to do a platelet donation, please call the hospital at 919-966-2370.
Even if you're not close to UNC Hospitals, please do go donate blood and platelets if your able to where ever you're able to and let us know. I will put it up at his bedside and let our team know. Our donors have literally saved Avery's life.
We will keep you posted on his progress. I haven't left the hospital since Tuesday and have no intensions of leaving until he is stable and off the oscilator/vent with his eyes open.
In the meantime I posted a new verse at his bedside, and it's brought me great comfort getting ready for the OR again. It's
Psalm 91:9
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling...
10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone....
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him....
What strength you see in Jared, myself and AMAZING Avery is not our own. It is a reflection of a loving, merciful and wonderous God. We continue to be blessed to carry His banner in this testimony.
Love to all
Meg, Jared and AMAZING Avery
We are waiting to figure out when they want to take him to the OR next, either later today or tomorrow. Be praying because the doctors have said that there is a very real possibility that we will be right back to where we were last Tuesday. I can't tell you enough how much the prayers are working, please do not stop! Continue to place him on prayer lists and with prayer teams whenever you can. Petition God earnestly for his life and his health, Avery can and will do so many wonderful things for the Kingdom, he has already started to.
Some have asked what they can do, and here's what we've come up with. Avery at a mininmal guestimation has had 10-12 transfusions of blood and 10 transfusions of platelets since Tuesday. Please donate blood but more importantly please donate platelets. The hospital and his nurses have told me that there is a HUGE need for platelets and seeing as Avery has and will need more, there is no bigger gift that you could give right now than that. Because Avery's main issue this time was with clotting factors after surgery, your donation could potentially of platelets could potentially save his life. Avery is B+ so especially if you have B+ blood and are willing to do a platelet donation, please call the hospital at 919-966-2370.
Even if you're not close to UNC Hospitals, please do go donate blood and platelets if your able to where ever you're able to and let us know. I will put it up at his bedside and let our team know. Our donors have literally saved Avery's life.
We will keep you posted on his progress. I haven't left the hospital since Tuesday and have no intensions of leaving until he is stable and off the oscilator/vent with his eyes open.
In the meantime I posted a new verse at his bedside, and it's brought me great comfort getting ready for the OR again. It's
Psalm 91:9
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling...
10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone....
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him....
What strength you see in Jared, myself and AMAZING Avery is not our own. It is a reflection of a loving, merciful and wonderous God. We continue to be blessed to carry His banner in this testimony.
Love to all
Meg, Jared and AMAZING Avery
Avery Part IV
July 18th 2009
Dear Family and Friends-
There is continuing imporvement for Avery. He has been taken off of many of his IV drips although he remains on a pretty intense respirator. We continue to need him to be stable in his blood pressure and urine/kidney out put, but we are much much encouraged at his progress. He is down in size, although he still has around 7-10lbs of additional weight from fluids.
During the emergency surgery on Weds morning to relieve the pressure on his bowel, some sterile gauze was placed inside to soak up some of the blood. They left the site open with a sterile clear-plastic piece sewn lightly on it to allow some of the blood and fluids to seep out. On Monday or Tuesday the surgeons are looking to correct the surgery and take out the gauze. This will mean we are on the cusp again of another potentially dangerous surgery. We ask now that you continue to pray for his strength, improvement and the continual good decisions of his caretakers, but also in preparation for the next incrediable step.
I cannot emphasize enough how overwhelmed by the Lord we have been in his recovery, from the ways in which He has allowed Avery his life and from the testimony our son is acruing through those around him, nurses and doctors, that have been touched by his spirit, resilience and light. We know truly that everyday that Avery continues to exist in is a gift from God and to His glory. When you walk into church on Sunday please thank our Lord for the miriacle He's continuing to work and that He grants us the favor of continuing this miracle. Continue to petition the Lord for Avery's life, that he may do great works with it to bring Glory to the Kingdom.
Here are the verses up at his bedside:
Deut 32:39
Job 5:18
2Sam 22:31-33
Jer 17:14
Psalm 20:6-7
Psalm 103:2-4
Love,
Meg, Jared and AMAZING AVERY
Dear Family and Friends-
There is continuing imporvement for Avery. He has been taken off of many of his IV drips although he remains on a pretty intense respirator. We continue to need him to be stable in his blood pressure and urine/kidney out put, but we are much much encouraged at his progress. He is down in size, although he still has around 7-10lbs of additional weight from fluids.
During the emergency surgery on Weds morning to relieve the pressure on his bowel, some sterile gauze was placed inside to soak up some of the blood. They left the site open with a sterile clear-plastic piece sewn lightly on it to allow some of the blood and fluids to seep out. On Monday or Tuesday the surgeons are looking to correct the surgery and take out the gauze. This will mean we are on the cusp again of another potentially dangerous surgery. We ask now that you continue to pray for his strength, improvement and the continual good decisions of his caretakers, but also in preparation for the next incrediable step.
I cannot emphasize enough how overwhelmed by the Lord we have been in his recovery, from the ways in which He has allowed Avery his life and from the testimony our son is acruing through those around him, nurses and doctors, that have been touched by his spirit, resilience and light. We know truly that everyday that Avery continues to exist in is a gift from God and to His glory. When you walk into church on Sunday please thank our Lord for the miriacle He's continuing to work and that He grants us the favor of continuing this miracle. Continue to petition the Lord for Avery's life, that he may do great works with it to bring Glory to the Kingdom.
Here are the verses up at his bedside:
Deut 32:39
Job 5:18
2Sam 22:31-33
Jer 17:14
Psalm 20:6-7
Psalm 103:2-4
Love,
Meg, Jared and AMAZING AVERY
Avery's Story Part III
Here are the emails that went out from the 17th. Avery went into surgery on the 14th of July.
>>> Meghan Hall 07/17/09 11:17 AM >>>
Dear Friends and Family,
First I want to stress that we do not want any visitors at this time. He is still very much on life support. Things change every hour and half hour and it is hard enough for the two of us to stay positive. To us, the strides that he has made in the past few days are amazing, but he is still very sick which has made him extremely swollen, beyond recognition, and he is still hooked up to many different machines. He has two nurses designated to his care at all times. Now is not the time for visiting although we recognize that everyones heart is in the right place.
Please also be patient with us being able to update you all. Assume that if there is nothing for hours that nothing has changed. We will let you know when things are getting better, hopefully not worse.
Here is what's been happening: on Tuesday he went into surgery at 9am and got out at 12pm. We had arrived at the hospital at 5:45am and held a happy bouncy Avery who was giggling and surprised to see his parents so early in the morning. When he got out of surgery our surgeon who has been with us since the very beginning was very happy with what he had seen in the bowel. The miracle that we had prayed for, a stricture, was there. He had removed the stricture and put in the GI tube, the central line and the ostomy. He had high hopes that Avery would make a quick recovery and be sent out of the ICU unit and onto the floor where we would have our own room quickly. This would have sped up the time to when he could come home.
At 12:30pm Avery was up from surgery. Immediately Jared and I recognized something was off. The site was bleeding badly, he was paper white, and his movements were erratic. Around 2pm when the team couldn't get him stable everyone went into high alert. The bleeding was increasingly worse, he wasn't responding to clotting agents and he was beginning to swell. He was given a paralytic to stop his movements and began infusion after infusion of blood. (For those who donate blood our boy is B+ and we can't thank you enough.) His blood pressure dropped, his breathing became more and more labored because his bowel was pushing his lungs up. He continued to decline all through the day and into the night. His kidney's failed early in the morning on Weds.
At 6am on Weds morning they began the process of getting him ready for and emergency surgery to open him up to allow some room and decompress the pressure on his kidneys and lungs. The whole POD was shut down for an hour and they preformed the surgery at the bedside. Our doctors were still not very optimistic about his recovery. He was loosing so much blood, had to be put on an oscillator (a very intense respirator/breathing machine) and not responding very well to any treatments they were giving him. The surgeon told us to not expect any results from the emergency surgery until 24-48 hours later. Weds night we began to see very small improvements, his blood pressure began to fluctuate where they needed it to be but the swelling was still going up. Things were better but the doctors were still not positive about his recovery.
Thursday things began to turn around very slowly. His blood pressure stayed well, they were able to get some fluids out by him finally peeing and they didn't have to give him many clotting agents or blood. I cannot stress enough, he is still very sick. But the doctors were much encouraged by his progress. He was responding to treatments and the surgery was beginning to help his recovery.
He is making small improvements, but he is still very very sick. They will have to close up the incisions site but will not be able to do that until he is much more stable. To us, he has made worlds of improvement. And he has. He IS getting better.
LET ME TELL YOU, that the recovery that we have seen the doctors, nurses and caretakers are giving to GOD. It is by HIS GRACE and HIS GRACE ONLY that our son is still here. I cannot tell you how many nurses and doctors have come to me and said with tears in their eyes "We love you all so much and your little boy has touched so many. We get sick babies in here all the time but your little boy is something special. I have been praying for him." GOD IS ALIVE! PRAYERS ARE HIS LIFE SUPPORT. Jared and I have been keeping each other up by staying in constant prayers and we cannot emphasize enough that our son's recovery and this ordeal is TO GOD'S GLORY. We are THANKFUL to represent our Savior in this way. To be His light in this dark place. DO NOT GIVE UP ON AVERY, please continue to pray, we have EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE he WILL make it through this. But it will not be from the Hospital itself but by the POWER and TESTIMONY of GOD.
We ask only that everyone pray in earnest, petition God for Avery's life. Yes you may place him on prayer requests, chains and groups. Yes you may share our story with whom ever you feel the need to, because it isn't our story, it's GOD'S story.
Jared and I have decided that we are going to pick a local charity to donate and work with once we get through this. We will let you all know which one it is. We figure that everyone has been asking if they could do anything and that is where we would like to see the effort go.
The only thing anyone can do for us, which is essentially doing things for Avery is to PRAY. We know that there have been so many who have and I cannot thank you all enough. Your prayers have been his life support. And the Doctors will tell you that too. They now come to Jared and I with prayer requests like "Pray for his sodium levels to come down" or "Pray for his urine out put to go up" BECAUSE THEY ARE SEEING THAT IT IS WORKING!
Remain positive for us. If you can't find the right words to say then don't say anything at all. YES we want to do more, YES it hurts us to see him like this but.....we can't do anything about it. Are we scared? Of course. BUT WE HAVE THE LIGHT OF CHRIST AND HIS PROMISE OF HEALING AND WE ARE CLINGING TO HIM AND HIS PROMISE.
Remember, the strongest steel goes through the hottest fire. We love you all. Thank you for all the kind words and prayers.
Love Meg, Jared and AMAZING AVERY
>>> Meghan Hall 07/17/09 11:17 AM >>>
Dear Friends and Family,
First I want to stress that we do not want any visitors at this time. He is still very much on life support. Things change every hour and half hour and it is hard enough for the two of us to stay positive. To us, the strides that he has made in the past few days are amazing, but he is still very sick which has made him extremely swollen, beyond recognition, and he is still hooked up to many different machines. He has two nurses designated to his care at all times. Now is not the time for visiting although we recognize that everyones heart is in the right place.
Please also be patient with us being able to update you all. Assume that if there is nothing for hours that nothing has changed. We will let you know when things are getting better, hopefully not worse.
Here is what's been happening: on Tuesday he went into surgery at 9am and got out at 12pm. We had arrived at the hospital at 5:45am and held a happy bouncy Avery who was giggling and surprised to see his parents so early in the morning. When he got out of surgery our surgeon who has been with us since the very beginning was very happy with what he had seen in the bowel. The miracle that we had prayed for, a stricture, was there. He had removed the stricture and put in the GI tube, the central line and the ostomy. He had high hopes that Avery would make a quick recovery and be sent out of the ICU unit and onto the floor where we would have our own room quickly. This would have sped up the time to when he could come home.
At 12:30pm Avery was up from surgery. Immediately Jared and I recognized something was off. The site was bleeding badly, he was paper white, and his movements were erratic. Around 2pm when the team couldn't get him stable everyone went into high alert. The bleeding was increasingly worse, he wasn't responding to clotting agents and he was beginning to swell. He was given a paralytic to stop his movements and began infusion after infusion of blood. (For those who donate blood our boy is B+ and we can't thank you enough.) His blood pressure dropped, his breathing became more and more labored because his bowel was pushing his lungs up. He continued to decline all through the day and into the night. His kidney's failed early in the morning on Weds.
At 6am on Weds morning they began the process of getting him ready for and emergency surgery to open him up to allow some room and decompress the pressure on his kidneys and lungs. The whole POD was shut down for an hour and they preformed the surgery at the bedside. Our doctors were still not very optimistic about his recovery. He was loosing so much blood, had to be put on an oscillator (a very intense respirator/breathing machine) and not responding very well to any treatments they were giving him. The surgeon told us to not expect any results from the emergency surgery until 24-48 hours later. Weds night we began to see very small improvements, his blood pressure began to fluctuate where they needed it to be but the swelling was still going up. Things were better but the doctors were still not positive about his recovery.
Thursday things began to turn around very slowly. His blood pressure stayed well, they were able to get some fluids out by him finally peeing and they didn't have to give him many clotting agents or blood. I cannot stress enough, he is still very sick. But the doctors were much encouraged by his progress. He was responding to treatments and the surgery was beginning to help his recovery.
He is making small improvements, but he is still very very sick. They will have to close up the incisions site but will not be able to do that until he is much more stable. To us, he has made worlds of improvement. And he has. He IS getting better.
LET ME TELL YOU, that the recovery that we have seen the doctors, nurses and caretakers are giving to GOD. It is by HIS GRACE and HIS GRACE ONLY that our son is still here. I cannot tell you how many nurses and doctors have come to me and said with tears in their eyes "We love you all so much and your little boy has touched so many. We get sick babies in here all the time but your little boy is something special. I have been praying for him." GOD IS ALIVE! PRAYERS ARE HIS LIFE SUPPORT. Jared and I have been keeping each other up by staying in constant prayers and we cannot emphasize enough that our son's recovery and this ordeal is TO GOD'S GLORY. We are THANKFUL to represent our Savior in this way. To be His light in this dark place. DO NOT GIVE UP ON AVERY, please continue to pray, we have EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE he WILL make it through this. But it will not be from the Hospital itself but by the POWER and TESTIMONY of GOD.
We ask only that everyone pray in earnest, petition God for Avery's life. Yes you may place him on prayer requests, chains and groups. Yes you may share our story with whom ever you feel the need to, because it isn't our story, it's GOD'S story.
Jared and I have decided that we are going to pick a local charity to donate and work with once we get through this. We will let you all know which one it is. We figure that everyone has been asking if they could do anything and that is where we would like to see the effort go.
The only thing anyone can do for us, which is essentially doing things for Avery is to PRAY. We know that there have been so many who have and I cannot thank you all enough. Your prayers have been his life support. And the Doctors will tell you that too. They now come to Jared and I with prayer requests like "Pray for his sodium levels to come down" or "Pray for his urine out put to go up" BECAUSE THEY ARE SEEING THAT IT IS WORKING!
Remain positive for us. If you can't find the right words to say then don't say anything at all. YES we want to do more, YES it hurts us to see him like this but.....we can't do anything about it. Are we scared? Of course. BUT WE HAVE THE LIGHT OF CHRIST AND HIS PROMISE OF HEALING AND WE ARE CLINGING TO HIM AND HIS PROMISE.
Remember, the strongest steel goes through the hottest fire. We love you all. Thank you for all the kind words and prayers.
Love Meg, Jared and AMAZING AVERY
Avery's Story Part II
Very little is known about Gastroschisis. 1 out of every 2000 babies born in North Carolina alone is born with this disease. 98% of the cases are seen at UNC Chapel Hill where they have both pediatric surgeons and highly experienced neonatalogist. North Carolina is seeing a rise in these births above other states. 90% of the cases seen have a successful care and recovery. At no point in Avery's life were we not expected to be part of that winning number.
I can't emphasis this enough. If ever there was a mommy-to-be that wanted to know as much as she could about her baby boy, that would be me. We knew every procedure, every statistic, every step of recovery. And we asked with every visit how he was. I took every vitamin and every precaution.
Every sonogram they kept telling me that if they didn't know otherwise, they would have thought Avery was just a normal healthy baby boy. Most gastroschisis babies stop growing after a certain point, Avery didn't have that problem. Every Tuesday and Thursday for a month I would hop on the table and talk to my boy, asking him to take his practice breaths (yes they breath in your tummy!) so that we could get to school. They had to monitor his development very closely. Especially his lungs. The doctors were watching to see at what point was he ready to come. They had to balance the premi issues in addition to the issues his gastrocschisis would have and they knew they waited too long it raised the chances of him being born still.
But that wasn't what they saw in Avery. They all thought he was going to be a very easy case.
I was ready at 32 weeks. I had put on so much weight and body was struggling. I couldn't climb up the stairs without being out of breath. I was developing carpal tunnel from my ligaments expanding in preparation for delivery and my hands would go numb and my acid reflex was out of control. I'm very much a go-getter and I couldn't stand sitting still and not being able to do my normal routine.
At 36 weeks Dr. Gooodknight and my OBGYN Dr. Boggis went back and forth on when they wanted to deliver me. I was originally scheduled to be induced on the 21st. But they were noticing a loop of internal bowel in Avery that was showing distention. Dr. Boggis was in Colorado skiing the week of April 6th and on April 9th Dr. Goodknight came in after the sonogram and told me what they had been noticing in Avery and that he thought that they needed to move up our delivery date a week. I called our Mya, our coordinator to let her know that I was ready to go whenever they conferenced and decided it was time. No hold ups on my end. On the 13th I woke up to a message from Mya saying bring your bag to your next appointment on the 14th. It was go time. I remember groggily waddling out of bed to the front porch where Daddy-to-be Jared was in my night dress and handing my phone to him saying "I just want to make sure I'm hearing this right, did they say tomorrow?" He was angrily pushing me back into the house saying "What in the world are you doing honey? Your nighty is tucked up in your panties."
It was 37 weeks. It was go time.
The story of my labor is a funny one and I will tell it some other day. But our little angel was born at 11:37pm on April 14th 2009. It was the most amazing day of our lives.
He did what he did for most all his life. Cried few times before closing his eyes and falling asleep. Five minutes later as Jared was talking to him and filming him he opened his eyes looking for that familiar voice and what in the world all the commotion was about.
They wheeled him over to me and we looked at our boy in amazement.
No mother, no father should ever know the pain of not being able to hold their new-born son. But we were just so happy he was alive and here.
They wheeled him to the NICU unit to wait for the OR. Because his case was not an emergency but still important, they took him down at 3am and he came out at 4am. We were exhausted and passed out until 6am when we got to see him.
He was still on the vent with an IV in each arm and leg. But he was alive, and he was doing so well. We met Dr. Helmrath right away, and he told us that he looked great. That his bowel, where the lining and skin had closed up around the outside part had closed tightly on a loop of bowel and caused two what appeared to be dead-spots in the bowel from where circulation hadn't been 100%. For the benefit of Avery's future he hadn't wanted to remove those places and the loop of bowel that was out until he saw how they tried to repair themselves inside of him. Because of the nature of the bowel and the amount of distention in the bowel he was unable to tell how much bowel was really affected. So he wanted to give it time to heal before he just cut away.
It would be 6-8 weeks before he did the second surgery.
We had to leave our boy almost an hour away in the hospital and go home. I was glad Jared's friends wanted to take him out when we got home because I fell to my knees and screamed at God that night. I just wanted my son home.
We went everyday and I pumped religiously every 3 hours and froze the milk. On day 4 we were finally allowed to hold our son. Those 4 days we learned to watch the monitors to know when we could touch him and talk to him post op. We watched his heart rate and blood pressures, his oxygen saturations to know when he was being stimulated too much and when he needed some encouragement.
Once he got off the vent he was our boy in cell-pod A we joked. Everyday we would be buzzed into the unit, sign in and wash our hands. Sometimes I went twice a day. We got to give him sponge baths , change his diaper, put little clothes on him. His little pot belly was our precious joke. Jared joked that he was Mr. Potatoe head, that they were working on getting his plumbing right. No Daddy was more into his son's care. No Daddy was more proud. No son knew his father's voice better. I joked that Avery would be awake and playing for Daddy and then he would hand him to me and he would just fall asleep.
Every Tuesday I would bake a cake or cupcakes to celebrate his birthday. My life is still lived in Tuesdays and Thursdays. Every Tuesdays he is born again, every hour I remember what I was doing. Every Thursday he dies again. Every minuet what we were doing.
They moved his surgery date to the 19th of May because he was doing so well. He was the units little pride and joy. Super laid back and rarely cried, which was extremely unique for a gastroschisis baby. Because they can't be fed, they cry a lot due to their hunger pains. Nurses joked that if Avery wasn't so cute and they didn't go look at him all the time they would forget he was there. He just slept and would wake up and just quietly study the ceiling. Then fall back asleep.
The 19th he came in out of surgery with no problems. Dr. Helmrath met with us to tell us he just removed those two tiny parts of dead bowel and his appendix to allow room in the belly. And also so if there were any problems in the future we would know that it wasn't that. There were incidental post-surgery things that popped up, but in the mean time we were just waiting for Avery to poop so we knew that things were running from point a to point b and we could start the feeding process.
He pooped on Friday the 22nd and I cried. Jared celebrated. We thought it was the beginning of the end.
But that was it. He swole up again and we had to wait for his bowel to go down. We tried feeding late June and originally he took the 5mLs every 3 hours OK. But when they tried to gradually bump them up to what he should have normally been taking at his age he would swell up and throw it up. His pooping wasn't consistent either.
So they tried to do 3 different barium studies to figure out what was wrong with the bowel. It was frustrating for the doctors to see this otherwise healthy baby hang out at the hospital with his parents coming in everyday. They wanted what we wanted, for us to start being a family. The barium studies showed very little that we otherwise could notice, that part of the bowel was distended and the other part was fine. Dr. Helmrath decided that he would go in and do an exploratory surgery, bring part of the bowel to the surface in an ostomy and let the remaining rest and recover, feed the top part, place a central line and a GI tube so that Avery could finally come home and just be a GI out patient. Once the bowel had shown it was ready to go, he would just take the two tubes out and sew the two bowel segments together.
On the 12th I studied and began a spiritual fast for my son's health. We had no reason to suspect that anything would go array. Our doctors were very confident that this would be the beginning of our more normal lives. We had members from our church and work come to the hospital on the 13th to pray over the surgery. Again, of all the surgeries, this wasn't suppose to be the big one. We just wanted our journey to be closing in on the end. We were surrendering to God.
I can't emphasis this enough. If ever there was a mommy-to-be that wanted to know as much as she could about her baby boy, that would be me. We knew every procedure, every statistic, every step of recovery. And we asked with every visit how he was. I took every vitamin and every precaution.
Every sonogram they kept telling me that if they didn't know otherwise, they would have thought Avery was just a normal healthy baby boy. Most gastroschisis babies stop growing after a certain point, Avery didn't have that problem. Every Tuesday and Thursday for a month I would hop on the table and talk to my boy, asking him to take his practice breaths (yes they breath in your tummy!) so that we could get to school. They had to monitor his development very closely. Especially his lungs. The doctors were watching to see at what point was he ready to come. They had to balance the premi issues in addition to the issues his gastrocschisis would have and they knew they waited too long it raised the chances of him being born still.
But that wasn't what they saw in Avery. They all thought he was going to be a very easy case.
I was ready at 32 weeks. I had put on so much weight and body was struggling. I couldn't climb up the stairs without being out of breath. I was developing carpal tunnel from my ligaments expanding in preparation for delivery and my hands would go numb and my acid reflex was out of control. I'm very much a go-getter and I couldn't stand sitting still and not being able to do my normal routine.
At 36 weeks Dr. Gooodknight and my OBGYN Dr. Boggis went back and forth on when they wanted to deliver me. I was originally scheduled to be induced on the 21st. But they were noticing a loop of internal bowel in Avery that was showing distention. Dr. Boggis was in Colorado skiing the week of April 6th and on April 9th Dr. Goodknight came in after the sonogram and told me what they had been noticing in Avery and that he thought that they needed to move up our delivery date a week. I called our Mya, our coordinator to let her know that I was ready to go whenever they conferenced and decided it was time. No hold ups on my end. On the 13th I woke up to a message from Mya saying bring your bag to your next appointment on the 14th. It was go time. I remember groggily waddling out of bed to the front porch where Daddy-to-be Jared was in my night dress and handing my phone to him saying "I just want to make sure I'm hearing this right, did they say tomorrow?" He was angrily pushing me back into the house saying "What in the world are you doing honey? Your nighty is tucked up in your panties."
It was 37 weeks. It was go time.
The story of my labor is a funny one and I will tell it some other day. But our little angel was born at 11:37pm on April 14th 2009. It was the most amazing day of our lives.
He did what he did for most all his life. Cried few times before closing his eyes and falling asleep. Five minutes later as Jared was talking to him and filming him he opened his eyes looking for that familiar voice and what in the world all the commotion was about.
They wheeled him over to me and we looked at our boy in amazement.
No mother, no father should ever know the pain of not being able to hold their new-born son. But we were just so happy he was alive and here.
They wheeled him to the NICU unit to wait for the OR. Because his case was not an emergency but still important, they took him down at 3am and he came out at 4am. We were exhausted and passed out until 6am when we got to see him.
He was still on the vent with an IV in each arm and leg. But he was alive, and he was doing so well. We met Dr. Helmrath right away, and he told us that he looked great. That his bowel, where the lining and skin had closed up around the outside part had closed tightly on a loop of bowel and caused two what appeared to be dead-spots in the bowel from where circulation hadn't been 100%. For the benefit of Avery's future he hadn't wanted to remove those places and the loop of bowel that was out until he saw how they tried to repair themselves inside of him. Because of the nature of the bowel and the amount of distention in the bowel he was unable to tell how much bowel was really affected. So he wanted to give it time to heal before he just cut away.
It would be 6-8 weeks before he did the second surgery.
We had to leave our boy almost an hour away in the hospital and go home. I was glad Jared's friends wanted to take him out when we got home because I fell to my knees and screamed at God that night. I just wanted my son home.
We went everyday and I pumped religiously every 3 hours and froze the milk. On day 4 we were finally allowed to hold our son. Those 4 days we learned to watch the monitors to know when we could touch him and talk to him post op. We watched his heart rate and blood pressures, his oxygen saturations to know when he was being stimulated too much and when he needed some encouragement.
Once he got off the vent he was our boy in cell-pod A we joked. Everyday we would be buzzed into the unit, sign in and wash our hands. Sometimes I went twice a day. We got to give him sponge baths , change his diaper, put little clothes on him. His little pot belly was our precious joke. Jared joked that he was Mr. Potatoe head, that they were working on getting his plumbing right. No Daddy was more into his son's care. No Daddy was more proud. No son knew his father's voice better. I joked that Avery would be awake and playing for Daddy and then he would hand him to me and he would just fall asleep.
Every Tuesday I would bake a cake or cupcakes to celebrate his birthday. My life is still lived in Tuesdays and Thursdays. Every Tuesdays he is born again, every hour I remember what I was doing. Every Thursday he dies again. Every minuet what we were doing.
They moved his surgery date to the 19th of May because he was doing so well. He was the units little pride and joy. Super laid back and rarely cried, which was extremely unique for a gastroschisis baby. Because they can't be fed, they cry a lot due to their hunger pains. Nurses joked that if Avery wasn't so cute and they didn't go look at him all the time they would forget he was there. He just slept and would wake up and just quietly study the ceiling. Then fall back asleep.
The 19th he came in out of surgery with no problems. Dr. Helmrath met with us to tell us he just removed those two tiny parts of dead bowel and his appendix to allow room in the belly. And also so if there were any problems in the future we would know that it wasn't that. There were incidental post-surgery things that popped up, but in the mean time we were just waiting for Avery to poop so we knew that things were running from point a to point b and we could start the feeding process.
He pooped on Friday the 22nd and I cried. Jared celebrated. We thought it was the beginning of the end.
But that was it. He swole up again and we had to wait for his bowel to go down. We tried feeding late June and originally he took the 5mLs every 3 hours OK. But when they tried to gradually bump them up to what he should have normally been taking at his age he would swell up and throw it up. His pooping wasn't consistent either.
So they tried to do 3 different barium studies to figure out what was wrong with the bowel. It was frustrating for the doctors to see this otherwise healthy baby hang out at the hospital with his parents coming in everyday. They wanted what we wanted, for us to start being a family. The barium studies showed very little that we otherwise could notice, that part of the bowel was distended and the other part was fine. Dr. Helmrath decided that he would go in and do an exploratory surgery, bring part of the bowel to the surface in an ostomy and let the remaining rest and recover, feed the top part, place a central line and a GI tube so that Avery could finally come home and just be a GI out patient. Once the bowel had shown it was ready to go, he would just take the two tubes out and sew the two bowel segments together.
On the 12th I studied and began a spiritual fast for my son's health. We had no reason to suspect that anything would go array. Our doctors were very confident that this would be the beginning of our more normal lives. We had members from our church and work come to the hospital on the 13th to pray over the surgery. Again, of all the surgeries, this wasn't suppose to be the big one. We just wanted our journey to be closing in on the end. We were surrendering to God.
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