So this post comes after some study of psychotherapies and a proposed scenario by our learning team in my class. The scenario had to do with a marriage and our discussion followed.

Let's talk about Marriage in today's world. Unfortunately even though the American politician and voter claims to "value" marriage the statistic and mentality for marriage is "if it doesn't work out then there's divorce" clearly reflected in our very high divorce rate (I believe the last statistic was around 50%?) **Let me clarify** I am not trying to make a political statement here on rights, gay or otherwise, I'm speaking about defining what; I'm presenting some statistics to be thought of when approaching the issue of "marriage" and relationships in the American context.

Over time, the inclusion of divorce as an "OK" route by many religions has allowed for truly dysfunctional relationships to retire for the benefit of the couple. However, the strange phenomenon is that now culturally accepted, it also became an *aspect OF marriage.* Meaning, a while ago the fear of cultural ostrization was an added deterrent from entering into a divorce, in combination with a religious duty. Now both are gone and it has become an option and an aspect *of* marriage.

I'm not placing blame; I'm merely stating we need to rehash our definition and understanding of the modern culture and mentality surrounding marriage and even relationships.

Additionally there are the technological advancements that make "instant gratification" a click and a fingertip away. Think of the times of World War I and II and even further back where couples were separated for months on end. Trust was something corner stone, tested and true. Now there's no concept of trust. Trust is a 1-5 min delay, there's no delving into or development. It can be instantly obtained or instantly erased. 50-80 years ago, tt was a cultural fact, an aspect of relationships and cultures; it was cultivated, retained, matured and grown. There wasn't a perception of another way. Their means of communication in those times were letters that took possibly months on end to reach their object of affection. In that time the parties had to trust, imagine and know that the other person was not only truly in love, but faithful and waiting.

Consider not only our grandparents of WW II, but our parents who would be cross country at colleges in their youth. I know that mine had a long period of time where one was in Pitt and the other in Va and they had a once a week or once every other week phone call. That was it, maybe an occasional letter, where thoughts were developed. We don't have any conception of that. Can many of us go for a whole week or two without hearing from their spouse or partner?

Additionally if there is ever any issue, where at one time matters were resolved in the home or selectively shared with a tight group of a few friends, now a frustrated spouse or partner can blast issues to the viewing public of 200+, nothing is private or sacred, your identity can be publicly devalued if you upset your attentatively posting partner. Issues become a community spectical, with people weighing in, judging and possibly even influencing. A relationship involves more than 2 parties now, and more than just the immediate family, it involves all of the viewing public.

**As a side note, a person who still claims that "Facebook is personal" makes me laugh. Personal and private mean that there is a limited and small number of people who are close and intimate access to the person and their life. Most all Facebook pages have 200+ friends, nothing is personal or private when share beyond 2-3 people! That's very much a public opinion!**

Here now if a couple doesn't receive a text or phone call back within minutes we assume the worst. Our culture has changed and therefore the culture and aspects of marriage and our views and beliefs on it needs to change and also considered.

Most pivotal to this consideration is that a couple lacks the innate trust building mechanisms that thrived during those times, again because there was simply no other way. Our trust isn't always being built or gaining, its being constantly sought, proven and in constant peril. It's no wonder that men and women grow weary of each others' company, they're now constantly in communication and in beckon call. Let's say a father went on the golf course, just for those 4 hours of true time away and relaxation, his phone in his pocket could go off multiple times, for work, friends, family and otherwise. Additionally a woman who has gone out shopping with friends can get calls for reminders from the home, from work and friends. In other-words, our relationships, across the board are garnering more of our immediate attention and asserting themselves into more and more corners of our lives. Here comes stress. While a job has always been a part of an identity, it now saturates lives in ways that no one can understand. Where as Stan from 1950 could get a weekend call from his boss and if he wasn't home there wouldn't be any character traits in question, in 2011, when Stan is called on his cell phone on the weekend, immediate fault and judgment is made off is dedication to work and his abilities. So to with the modern relationship. If a member of a relationship doesn't answer the phone immediately, it may reinforce a negative view established by a prior relationship that "all men cheat" or "all women cheat" and when the explanation is rendered "I was in the bathroom" or "I was taking a bath" the natural course of thought is "That's just an excuse" instead of "I need to exercise more restraint." Consider again, if a mate called a land line even in 1980, a natural list of "alternative" places would come to mind. Now the list is much more condensed, there for the brain has less to consider viable.

Couples have also this attitude that if the partner doesn't want to spend every waking moment with the other person, that there is something wrong. Now initially in relationships going through the honeymoon phase or where one or more couples has natural or built up trust issues, it maybe more understandable. But technology plus culture have replaced "quality time" with "all the time." We have been all given speeches about the TV and gaming being problematic but we haven't really considered that while they may be problematic, they're a source of enjoyment for people. We need to figure out how to create a healthy balance and not force our 21st century families into valuing the same things as our parents, grandparents in the 1950-1970s. Times have changed and the culture has changed. We look at black and white photos and sigh, when in essence we just need to understand that we can do the same, just differently with what we have now. I don't see any difference in picture of a father reading the paper, a mom darning socks, a brother playing with a truck and a girl playing tea in one room, and then I do with a father watching sports, a mom reading a nook, a brother playing a PS3 and a daughter playing on a laptop. Both pictures do not depict families necessarily interacting, but the pictures do show the families enjoying there own entertainment in the same room.

What I'm hammering at is that the dissolve of marriages and relationships is far more an expected part of our 21st century and instead of forcing ideals that are no longer culturally stable or applicable is archaic.

There are other factors, the increase of women working dually, in the public sector and at home, the cultural norm of father's being in the home as well.

Additionally, we now have changing roles and expectations of desirable and undesirable characteristics in a partner. Expectations have changed; where a woman 50 years ago stayed at home, now she has to balance the home and the job. Where as a man 50 years ago was expected to provide the stability and consistency of the home, now the woman is suppose to bring something other than herself to the table and provide some as well.

So here you have it, the issue of developing trust, quality time apart and together in the 21st century, a healthy dialogue, and a re-evaluation of roles and functions. The modern day marriage is not the same at all of the one from 80 years ago.

Essentially the trust factor, the cultural implications of working and living in a 21st century world, the movement and changes in our religious sects, there's not a whole lot of factors supporting the "older" definition and constructs of marriage. While I believe that it is still possible to be married once for a long time, I think we have to set parameters and a new understanding both as therapists and as members of this society that we have to change the way we understand marriage and divorce.

It's been a while....

I suppose I need to comment on a few things about my absence.

One, I'm a full time, and over full time working mom. I drive a special needs bus in the morning and then I teach a full day in a special needs classroom.

I'm also working on my MS/PhD in Clinical Psychology.

I also run an International NPO.

I also have a 10 month old daughter.

So, sometimes, things like blog writing get a little offset. Because I'm busy being alive.

Needless to say I've had a year of news and a year of firsts and a year of growing to reflect upon. I feel like adulthood is beginning to sink in...yes at 26, but either with the onslaught of motherhood or the settling in of time, things are beginning to take on some wisdom. Not too much because I have to maintain some immaturity to survive my day to day.

At any rate there are things that I know to be absolute truths in my life that it's time to reflect upon. I'm not expecting many people to read and have their immediate lives changed but it may at least contribute slightly to the way people know and feel about me. Either your opinions will change or they will stay the same.

I'm going to start blogging about Facebook and relationships in the 21st century, motherhood, loss, Christianity, the US and Christianity and coping. A lot of what I say maybe offensive, but it's not intended to to tell you you're a horrible person for living your life the way you see fit, which I totally support, I'm just imparting my observations and what I hold to be valuable and true in my life. If you asked me my opinion on how you conduct your day to day then I would respond in this manner. Otherwise, as long as it's happening on your lawn and not mine, I have no beef.

Now some of you may feel like I'm talking about you, and if you know me, you know that if I have an issue, a real issue, I will call your attention to it. If I haven't already done so then there's no reason to self reflect. However, if that happens, you need to explore your own sources of that guilt, meaning, if you feel like I'm talking about you and I haven't called you out, then maybe you have your own issues to resolve with it yourself. But please don't feel like I'm being passive aggressive in what I post. I do not believe in that aspect of the internet, blogging and facebook at all. And you'll find that out in my commentary about it.

Be warned be ready and as always, if something appears marginally humorous it is. So laugh.

Avery's speaks

I'm sure people I've never meat think I'm some strong, well formed individual with a firm handshake, a soft spoken, well thought out word, a sturdy frame and a commanding presence. I don't suppose when I whirlwind into a room I'm anything anyone expects. I don't really know who I would imagine myself to be if I didn't know me...I do suppose I would be more to-the-point and professional then I am...

Never the less, here I am. A mess. I talk too much, and too loud, and laugh too often and in the wrong places. I'm a nerd and passionate about things in and around my life. I think quite often I can relate to most things...I probably can't.

I'm nothing special then a energetic whirlwind. A mess of pieces of a little bit of everything. I wouldn't be a beautiful romantic stain glass mosaic depicting some uplifting moment in religious history or a beautiful bird or flower, I'd be some colorful jumble and collection of glass and polished stones mortared together in some exotic pattern.

I reckon I should have more grace and poise then I do. My mother sent me to etiquette classes and both my parents were very guarded in speech and picked their words, presence and clothes very particularly. For some reason, I didn't learn to keep my experiences to myself, check my speech or water myself down. I live my life outwardly, knowing my experiences as lonely and pointless if not to bring or progress humanities position further towards a better world.

I know I possibly disappoint those whom I speak to online or through text or via messaging all the time. I don't get to organize my thoughts the way I do when I write, subtract some of the florally metaphoric crap and leave something raw but slightly polished for those to respond to. I just am.

I don't really know how else to be. I met the love of my life this way, my excuse is God made me this way and He loves me...so why change? He also has allowed me 2 beautiful children....I guess I'm made of the right stuff....?

I look though at my kids, and think, how did I get to be part of this life? My son's life continues to amaze me, wear me out, but truly amaze me.

I'm sure everyone thinks I get up with pep in my step, a smile and a Santa like to-do list and a mug of Dunkin coffee and some sort of plan to my day. O, and my makeup is done and my outfit is coordinated.


In all honest, waking up in the morning is no fun. I think I purposely stay up late so I can put off the bittersweet of the alarm. I stumble often into things I know are there, set off half a dozen baby toys and buzzers on my way to the shower and don't really have much to say until around 2 hours after I've gotten up.

Around 1pm I'm struggling for reasons to stay focused on anything...often I'm overwhelmed because my phone has rung probably 25 times and my inbox has 22 messages...my OCD is not happy with life at all. If I get on a roll I feel rather accomplished and get amped up. If for some reason I'm off that day....I look at the little inbox warning and sigh "What did I get myself into?" crosses my mind.

Yup, pretty human. Sometimes remembering the hardest times in Avery's life is hard for me. I know...surprise? And I'm not amazing, and I know it...I'm a "I'm happy I got blush on my face" type girl and having a full time job, a baby, a foundation and school gets overwhelming.

There's a reason we have 3 different 'project managers' and assistants....I would be lost, the Avery's Angels email monster would eat me up.

And Avery hasn't gotten any better. He won't, he's my son and I should have a 2 year old bounding all over my house and wanting to wrestle with his sister and not wanting her to drool on his toys...I should have 2 baths to get done and blue mixed in with the pink laundry.

So I need a pep talk quite often. The daily messages about "I'm so happy I found you all" are nice and a good reminder to "keep on" but every now and then people find/do things that are truly amazing for me.

Like people who want to do fundraisers around the world, work with/for me, send gifts, small or large, hand written notes, speak on us, send me stories about butterflies they've seen or how Avery came to wake them up or motivated them to various things....or name their babies after my son.

That he has become to everyone else what he meant to me....something to be proud of, something to aspire to...yes aspire to as his mother...I want to be more like my son. I want to be wide eyed to the world, trusting and believing in all, and ready to laugh at the little things like my mobile. I want to be able to know that crying isn't going to make it easier, that it hurts but it will eventually get better. That love is worth having no matter how short or long. And a smile is the most amazing gift you give yourself and others as often as you're able.

And he is that to others. So much so that people want to name their children after him....that people reach out from corners of the world, email us inquiries and think I'm some dame that I'm not.....

My son has put rose glasses on others...I'm slowly changing into a much more graceful mother because of him...and he's inspiring others to have their best lives.

And he speaks, he tells me everyday at 2pm to put my head down and get through. "Mama, crying isn't going to do anything, just get it done." A song pops on the radio, a rainbow catches some random object and flashes up, a butterfly spends a few hours flitting in and out of a corner of the yard or window. "Hey Mom, remember when I got my 3rd PCC line in and you freaked out and I was like 'what's your deal mom?'"

So I put my head down and muscle through, and look up intime to see a butterfly pass me by, and hear someone tell me, "Avery came today...." And Avery says "hey Mom...remember when you freaked out then and I told you "eh, no biggy..."

Not much has changed, son. Except you're changing everything.