It's been a while....

I suppose I need to comment on a few things about my absence.

One, I'm a full time, and over full time working mom. I drive a special needs bus in the morning and then I teach a full day in a special needs classroom.

I'm also working on my MS/PhD in Clinical Psychology.

I also run an International NPO.

I also have a 10 month old daughter.

So, sometimes, things like blog writing get a little offset. Because I'm busy being alive.

Needless to say I've had a year of news and a year of firsts and a year of growing to reflect upon. I feel like adulthood is beginning to sink in...yes at 26, but either with the onslaught of motherhood or the settling in of time, things are beginning to take on some wisdom. Not too much because I have to maintain some immaturity to survive my day to day.

At any rate there are things that I know to be absolute truths in my life that it's time to reflect upon. I'm not expecting many people to read and have their immediate lives changed but it may at least contribute slightly to the way people know and feel about me. Either your opinions will change or they will stay the same.

I'm going to start blogging about Facebook and relationships in the 21st century, motherhood, loss, Christianity, the US and Christianity and coping. A lot of what I say maybe offensive, but it's not intended to to tell you you're a horrible person for living your life the way you see fit, which I totally support, I'm just imparting my observations and what I hold to be valuable and true in my life. If you asked me my opinion on how you conduct your day to day then I would respond in this manner. Otherwise, as long as it's happening on your lawn and not mine, I have no beef.

Now some of you may feel like I'm talking about you, and if you know me, you know that if I have an issue, a real issue, I will call your attention to it. If I haven't already done so then there's no reason to self reflect. However, if that happens, you need to explore your own sources of that guilt, meaning, if you feel like I'm talking about you and I haven't called you out, then maybe you have your own issues to resolve with it yourself. But please don't feel like I'm being passive aggressive in what I post. I do not believe in that aspect of the internet, blogging and facebook at all. And you'll find that out in my commentary about it.

Be warned be ready and as always, if something appears marginally humorous it is. So laugh.

Avery's speaks

I'm sure people I've never meat think I'm some strong, well formed individual with a firm handshake, a soft spoken, well thought out word, a sturdy frame and a commanding presence. I don't suppose when I whirlwind into a room I'm anything anyone expects. I don't really know who I would imagine myself to be if I didn't know me...I do suppose I would be more to-the-point and professional then I am...

Never the less, here I am. A mess. I talk too much, and too loud, and laugh too often and in the wrong places. I'm a nerd and passionate about things in and around my life. I think quite often I can relate to most things...I probably can't.

I'm nothing special then a energetic whirlwind. A mess of pieces of a little bit of everything. I wouldn't be a beautiful romantic stain glass mosaic depicting some uplifting moment in religious history or a beautiful bird or flower, I'd be some colorful jumble and collection of glass and polished stones mortared together in some exotic pattern.

I reckon I should have more grace and poise then I do. My mother sent me to etiquette classes and both my parents were very guarded in speech and picked their words, presence and clothes very particularly. For some reason, I didn't learn to keep my experiences to myself, check my speech or water myself down. I live my life outwardly, knowing my experiences as lonely and pointless if not to bring or progress humanities position further towards a better world.

I know I possibly disappoint those whom I speak to online or through text or via messaging all the time. I don't get to organize my thoughts the way I do when I write, subtract some of the florally metaphoric crap and leave something raw but slightly polished for those to respond to. I just am.

I don't really know how else to be. I met the love of my life this way, my excuse is God made me this way and He loves me...so why change? He also has allowed me 2 beautiful children....I guess I'm made of the right stuff....?

I look though at my kids, and think, how did I get to be part of this life? My son's life continues to amaze me, wear me out, but truly amaze me.

I'm sure everyone thinks I get up with pep in my step, a smile and a Santa like to-do list and a mug of Dunkin coffee and some sort of plan to my day. O, and my makeup is done and my outfit is coordinated.


In all honest, waking up in the morning is no fun. I think I purposely stay up late so I can put off the bittersweet of the alarm. I stumble often into things I know are there, set off half a dozen baby toys and buzzers on my way to the shower and don't really have much to say until around 2 hours after I've gotten up.

Around 1pm I'm struggling for reasons to stay focused on anything...often I'm overwhelmed because my phone has rung probably 25 times and my inbox has 22 messages...my OCD is not happy with life at all. If I get on a roll I feel rather accomplished and get amped up. If for some reason I'm off that day....I look at the little inbox warning and sigh "What did I get myself into?" crosses my mind.

Yup, pretty human. Sometimes remembering the hardest times in Avery's life is hard for me. I know...surprise? And I'm not amazing, and I know it...I'm a "I'm happy I got blush on my face" type girl and having a full time job, a baby, a foundation and school gets overwhelming.

There's a reason we have 3 different 'project managers' and assistants....I would be lost, the Avery's Angels email monster would eat me up.

And Avery hasn't gotten any better. He won't, he's my son and I should have a 2 year old bounding all over my house and wanting to wrestle with his sister and not wanting her to drool on his toys...I should have 2 baths to get done and blue mixed in with the pink laundry.

So I need a pep talk quite often. The daily messages about "I'm so happy I found you all" are nice and a good reminder to "keep on" but every now and then people find/do things that are truly amazing for me.

Like people who want to do fundraisers around the world, work with/for me, send gifts, small or large, hand written notes, speak on us, send me stories about butterflies they've seen or how Avery came to wake them up or motivated them to various things....or name their babies after my son.

That he has become to everyone else what he meant to me....something to be proud of, something to aspire to...yes aspire to as his mother...I want to be more like my son. I want to be wide eyed to the world, trusting and believing in all, and ready to laugh at the little things like my mobile. I want to be able to know that crying isn't going to make it easier, that it hurts but it will eventually get better. That love is worth having no matter how short or long. And a smile is the most amazing gift you give yourself and others as often as you're able.

And he is that to others. So much so that people want to name their children after him....that people reach out from corners of the world, email us inquiries and think I'm some dame that I'm not.....

My son has put rose glasses on others...I'm slowly changing into a much more graceful mother because of him...and he's inspiring others to have their best lives.

And he speaks, he tells me everyday at 2pm to put my head down and get through. "Mama, crying isn't going to do anything, just get it done." A song pops on the radio, a rainbow catches some random object and flashes up, a butterfly spends a few hours flitting in and out of a corner of the yard or window. "Hey Mom, remember when I got my 3rd PCC line in and you freaked out and I was like 'what's your deal mom?'"

So I put my head down and muscle through, and look up intime to see a butterfly pass me by, and hear someone tell me, "Avery came today...." And Avery says "hey Mom...remember when you freaked out then and I told you "eh, no biggy..."

Not much has changed, son. Except you're changing everything.

Amazing Grace

Avery's baby Sister was born on Dec 10th 2010.

She was one month and a day early....due Jan 11th 2011. But here she is and how amazing she is.

My fears going in were obvious 1) a healthy baby. Always and forever, a healthy baby. Each passing week would mark off one paranoia and add a new one....early and late miscarriages, cord and fluid fears, chromosome fears, size and growth concerns, early labor, still birth....you name it. It was all weighing on me like a stone; one growing in my belly and the other growing on my heart and mind.

You're both scared to grow close to the life inside of you and also guilty of feeling scared to grow close to the life inside of you. You're worried you hope too soon, or you enjoy too late, you love too little or feel too much with so little guaranteed.

You feel the pressure of producing a healthy baby, all eyes on you, because all eyes fell on you when your prior had such heartbreaking issues "What did you do?" and you hear and feel in your heart "How did I fail my baby."

She kicked and I would cry, scared of her, scared for her, then wishing it was Avery, and then feeling like an awful mother for feeling all those things.

At month 3 I put in my mind that no many how many times I ran to the doctors to make them let me hear her heartbeat, there would be nothing I could do if God put my stars in alignment for something other then what I saw to be best; I couldn't stop life from happening the way that God intended it to. I stuck to it and surrendered. It didn't so much ease the fears out of my heart, or off my mind, it did take my responsibility to those worries and fears away.

And then I was worried that she would make people forget Avery. And I threw Avery projects up everywhere. I felt guilty like I was choosing or spending more time with one child and not enough on the other. Would people remember Avery? Was I spending too much time on Avery or too much on her?

She's my daughter, she has my heart as much as my son does. She's here because of my son. And they both know and will know that I love them very much. One here and one in heaven and there's nothing more then being a mommy and worrying about loving them that I need to do to prove I love them both.

And Avery can't be forgotten, because his life lives on here in how we have all changed our lives and live our lives because of him. All the movement he has stirred and put into motion in his life here and continues to do so, no, he won't ever be forgotten. His miss doesn't ever go away. I cradle my little girl and still miss my angel boy.

But my life is because of him and my life is because of her.

Did I truly enjoy the pregnancy, did I feel a glow and a precious grasp on my body? No, I was petrified of my body. Did I love the hope of my baby girl any less, no, because no matter how much I tried to distance my heart from what was happening, she was, like all babies are, alive in my heart and my life from the moment I knew she was on her way.

Doctors would ask me "so do you feel more comfortable now?" No, no I don't. I hear "normal" and I hear "OK" but I don't understand or believe you. I've heard that before. I have yet to see it.

I knew I was pregnant, but sometimes it would take me off guard. It felt like a dream, a complicated one. Notice I didn't say nightmare....it was an enigma, but never a mirage or a night terror.

I would do all I could to get myself excited; little projects to decorate her room and bathroom, trying to get excited about her parties and obsess about her registry and stuff. I refused to wash any of her new clothes until after she was born, and I felt guilty for that.

Then she came early; and those dreaded words "NICU" "monitor" "too much/too little" came up again. And I was furious and scared. Furious at my body for giving out again, scared to have my hopes of a "normal" delivery and experience yanked away from me.

I just wanted to hold her after she was born. I kept saying that over and over. I just want to hold her, we just want a "wireless baby." We want to take her home.

And then she came, 2 pushes and she screamed and I cried and everytime she screamed I cried. I could have jumped up to Heaven with all the love that flooded my heart and all the hope that rained into my spirit with every cry, every furious motion of her wee hands and feet. It grasped my body and pulled the breathe out of me.

And she didn't go to the NICU and she didn't need to be monitored. She stayed with us in our room until we went home.

Did I sleep? No, I was afraid she would gag and I wouldn't hear her. I still will peer at her while she sleeps and touch her head or body to make sure. Do I want to sleep? No, I don't want to blink and I want to the world to see her, to tell me how beautiful she is so that it all feels more like my life and less like a dream.

Then the word "jaundice" came into our worlds. And the gastroschisis mommy in me laughs at me "really? that's what you're worried about?" We've been through so much worse. But the word "Hospital" came with that "jaundice" word (which I thought ridiculous and let people know) and I felt disheartened and frightened again. They came with her glow blanket and when Jared showed the Home Care lady to the door and my child had a long tube coming from her blanket I lost it....there was that damn wire again, tethering my child to machines or medicine because my body failed her. Something was wrong with her and it was my fault. And now her perfect heels are going to have to be poked and she's going to have to go through all these not so nice baby things and it's just not fair. Why can't she just sleep, eat, poop, pee and worry us about how tiny she is and how big her clothes are.

Because that's life. And if it wasn't jaundice and a glowie blanket, it would be something else.

And this is perfect. It's perfect and wonderful; like the angels in the Bible, frightening and fearsome, a display that makes all who have caught glimpse cower and be afraid. But yet they bring great hope, inspiration and the reflect the power, mercy and deep love of the Father.

Such is life; frightening and fearsome, yet perfect and full of hope and love of the Father.

I want to wake up in this good dream and grab on so that it feels real. And then I don't because it all feels so deliciously wonderful. The exhaustion, the mistakes and the learning curb, the stress, the confusion.

The ability to roll over and kiss her wee self where ever and when ever I want to. All the little things that I never got to do but can do with so much passion and so present and so amazed and so gifted now, how every breathe, every motion is a treasure. How each experience is like Christmas. How she continues to take my breathe away.

Things were like this with Avery, where your heart beats stronger with each bat of the eyes, each coo, each cry and each motion, and now it's even more precious because it's new again, and at home.

Home, which suddenly feels full and fulfilled. It feels like home. The nails, the carpet, the molding, it all comes together into a sacred place to try and contain the beating hearts and elated spirits of the residence inside.

How was life/pregnancy/second chance after gastroschisis and loss? It was amazing. A trip I strongly recommend. Was it always beautiful? no it wasn't. But it was well fought, well lived and well worth the battle. Will I do it again? I hope so. Will anything be different...

probably...but then again, everything always is.

So she's here, my amazing daughter; Breanna Grace Rauen. Breanna means "strength, noble." My Strong Grace is here. Her older brother is here too. And life...life continues to amaze, frighten and inspire me. And I'm grateful for each breathe exactly as it is.

Sometimes I just look at my pieces....

So I'm 25. It's young. It's the middle of being young I suppose. I'm an adult, but I'm still a young adult. I'm young enough to where people in their 30s look at me with that knowing smile...."you'll see one day"....you remember.....the same one you saw when you were 13 and 18 that annoyed the daylights out of you. Only now, you should be wise enough to look back and reflect thinking "yup! They were right!" And these smiles are probably going to be the same too.

So now those smiles come and I take them with all the faith I can. Then I watch the smiles have a quizzical twinge to them.

I suppose for a 25 year old I'm young but I'm also old in some respects. In 25 years I've gone through a rape, cancer, all kinds of abusive relationships, lost my parents, buried a child....

How did I get here? I ask myself that a lot. When did my life get like this? How...what? And I'm sure after talking to me for a few minutes, and as open as I tend to be (and talkative) people wonder, is she really 25?

Yes. I am.

I don't get it either. But it also doesn't bother me.

It doesn't bother me that either this is a pretty rough way to set up the rest of my life or maybe I'm getting the junk done first. I don't personally believe that God set up my life in any particular order for some long "sabbatical" from living, like I will go through the rough parts now and then just be able to enjoy the rest, or that He crams all the crap into certain portions of our lives for some long term lesson. Or for whatever other reason people come up with.

Life just happens. It happens more to some then others. It happens a lot to some and hardly any to others. It's not fair, it's not just, it's not right or wrong....it just is. It's just life.

Yes, I've got friends and people I know and have thought "well, why is she so lucky to have such an amazing family and life? She's never dealt with hardly anything." Why does life happen tons to some and hardly touches others?

Eh. That's just life. It really doesn't matter. It just is.

Some people will say; "well God gives things to those who can handle it" like it's badge of courage or a plaque. Should it be an honor that I'm the incredible punching bag? Is resilience the mark of some sort of honor?

Makes me chuckle. It's no particular honor. Like life, it just is. Would I rather the life where the worst worry I've had in the past few days is what's going on with my job? Well sure. I'd love to know what it's like to have a baby born and my biggest nightmare was that he had so many ear infections we had to have tubes put in, instead of planning a funeral at age 24. Or that my parents may not be able to be able to be at my bedside within the first hour of being settled in to the hospital room. Maybe never hearing "Well it's stage 5, and we're not sure how this will affect you long term" at age 18.....but then again, I wouldn't have what I do.

I wouldn't change what I have for the world. All my pieces, even though they sometimes surprise me too, with all of them I've had a beautiful life. All those pieces make up a beautiful mosaic that makes up my heart and guides most every step I take. I'm able to take an extra step with empathy when it comes to how I talk, how I treat others. You never know! You never know if this day is the day that the girl who's taking too long to get her change in her wallet got the news that she's got stage 5 cancer. You never know if the person who pulled out in front of you at 2 miles per hour is trying to wrap their brains around a birth defect that their unborn child has been diagnosed with. You never know if the man standing infront of the ice cream just staring and starting and staring is trying to figure out if he should have an open or closed casket for his dead child. Or any number of other issues, you just never know.

And who cares if instead of all those things, the girl or man or woman or boy just had an awful day because they couldn't find their favorite toy, shoes, or jeans? Or that the laundry is out of control, house needs cleaning or car has a ding in it. Life is. It is as big as it needs to be for some people and as small as it needs to be for others. It suites who it's given to and as it's given, with no particular reason or honor or consideration.

It just is.

It's funny to me to consider things from this perspective. I don't often get to think about how crazy my life can seem until someone points it out. Tonight I was sharing with a lady the course of the past year, a miscarriage, Maverick's death, 1 year anniversary of Avery's death and his 1st birthday....and then we got to how both of our cars have been in and out of the shop for the past 2 weeks and she says "can your life not be some what not insane?"

And I laughed....it's not insane. It just is. It's beautiful. It really is. Jared is the most amazing man ever. Us together, I really don't believe there could be a better suited couple in this world. Only the two of us would be able to walk through the way we do and still smile. Still laugh and find things to be goofy and happy about.

There's our families and how amazing and beautiful, how supportive and steadfast they are.

There are our friends who no matter what decide to give us a free ride whenever needed, or come and make sure we're OK when we're hitting the "insanity".

There's an incredible God who cries with us and laughs with us, who loves us dearly and never forgets us, who heals our hearts and gives us just enough and then handles our anger and frustrations, our praises and love, just as it comes. Just as it is.

Everyone likes to "justify" and "reason" things, well God has intentions, or things happen for a reason. You know....even the Philosophy major in me is OK with this statement; somtimes things just happen. There's no particular reason, they just happen.

I appreciate that so many try to justify things for me, like it will bring me some peace. But my life really doesn't bother me. I live with my miss, my pains, my joys and my happiness. It just is. I'm perfectly fine not having a reason here because that means that my God is bigger then what I can possibly understand. And I'm good with that.

If I could rationalize the justice behind why so many babies I work with now suffer, my God isn't big enough. If I could figure out why God feels fit to allow parents to bury their babies, He's not big enough.

There's no justice in the mind of a human close to the justice in the mind of God. So if God rules my life, no justice applied by the advice and reasoning of a human will be able to sooth or explain the happenings in my life.

And I'm OK with that. That's how it should be.

Who wants to believe in a God that's no better then they are at logic and reasoning?

And I have a degree in those things. Haha.

My life, simply, is beautiful. Just as it is. Just as it has fallen to me. We have an amazing son, who was absolutely beautiful, perfect and so amazing, and everyone who knew him would tell you the same. The self validity and autonomy I've found from all the other experiences has made me even more sensative to the world and people around me. I've learned great patience and the ability to put on my dancing shoes when the forecast is rainy. Why, I think if Noah and I had been pals and God had turned to Him and said "Well, you need to build an Ark and it needs to be as big as a blue whale." I would have probably turned to Noah and said "Good thing there's nothing bigger then a blue whale out there, we'd be at this forever!"

I'm glad I can laugh at the small stuff. That stuff is small. That if the cable is cut off for a few days, eh, it's no biggy. Or if both our cars are in the shop....and then again....and again....it's not such a bad thing. That I can even laugh at all of it, and be glad in what I do have.

I'm not worthy of any honors, nor is their any justification as to why so much happens, it just is. And we do what we need to.

I'm not even the strongest person you know. I cry quite often at sappy songs that remind me of my blue eyed son. This holiday is probably going to be tough too, like last year. I'm scared of cockroaches, and I hate the hem of my pants getting wet and touching the backs of my ankles. Some of the children I work with frustrate me to tears. But! I'm still happy about it all. I can still laugh about how irritated I get at inanimate objects, how ridiculous kids can be and how precious their logic is, and I have great stories about how I exterminate cockroaches.....plus it's even more funny considering I can waddle my pregnant butt to my neighbor's house and chop off a snake's head with a spade no problem but a cockroach has me screaming to get the shoe....come back...kill it....and while I flush it down the toilet. That's funny my friends. Snake be-header but cockroach scaredy cat.

It's just life. There's somethings that no sense can be made of.

Philosophers sit around and make logic and reasoning for what would be a perfect world. No Philosopher would say that the world is naturally logical or reasonable and therefore all things are within the grasp of logic.....especially with the way that life happens. They will make reasons for what would be the best explanation, or what better way it could have happened. But somethings just are.

Life is. Faith is. Just one of those things. Logic and reasoning doesn't always encompass. But it doesn't mean that it's not beautiful or amazing. Even when it's tragic.

Due to be a mommy again in 6-7 weeks. Still doesn't feel real and probably not as ready as we should be. But hey, that's life. And we're good with it.

Missing Avery...waiting on Sissy

So it's been over a year now...and I'm sure for everyone else things are worlds different. Avery will always be a memory for people...and in 20 years I'm sure some people won't even recall him that easy. That hurts...no mom wants to realize that their child's death here means his memory is limited to so many others. When I look around and see faces of babies and children who are probably about Avery's age, I always think "I wonder..." and I can't and won't stop that.

It won't stop at every annual event, every Christmas, when his friends would be going to Kindergarten, going to prom, graduating....all of it. I'll always wonder.

Some people like to try and give your heart ideas to hope for, positive thoughts to some how cut the miss...the sediment is sweet, but the words and ideas are no where near enough to do what necessary. It's like putting a bandaide on a broken arm, it's sweet but not going to help much. But he wasn't an awful memory, was beautiful, he was precious, the best time of life. Which makes it all the more hard to let go. He's not a painful memory...I just miss him so.

People say "O he's your angel" "he's with you everywhere" "he's happy" "he's whole" O boy do I know...it doesn't help much to repeat all of it...because he feels all those things feel so far away from me here. It just is the way I feel. No words are going to change that.

God aches for us in the same way, our Spirits long for Him in the same way, only more. Those who have babies and children in heaven know just how amazing Heaven is and how beautiful it will be to get back there. And it hurts to be here stuck knowing just how amazing it will be.

So it's a miss...it's not a pain...people think it's a pain...it's not a pain....it's the natural ache to "go home" and be whole...only a lot more intense. Who can be sad to have such a beautiful baby, to be loved so intensely, to be needed so wholly.

That being said...things are getting really tricky, waiting on Avery's sissy.

No baby has been hoped for more I believe. We're so excited to meet her so excited to see her and touch her. There are plenty plans and discussions....

I get so excited and happy when she rolls around and kicks. I get excited when my ticker clicks off closer and closer to the due date....and the months get smaller and smaller.

But a lot is bittersweet...like re-doing the nursery. I'm excited and happy...but I'm also sad and reminiscent. I remember how tickled Jared was when he got the paint and put up the border and how we picked out little things here and there to get the room situated. All the clothes and toys and gadgets...so many of them unwrapped...

She can't replace Avery and we don't expect her to at all. She's going to be a new gem in our family. A new tale, a new adventure. She'll give us a new meaning to life, a new chance and a new breath of life. She'll give us many laughs and many tears, she'll probably have us holding our breaths a few times and glad we are breathing to watch her many others.

I hope she knows how much she's loved, and I also hope she knows all about her older brother and how special and wonderful he is. I hope she knows how much we dreamed of her and want her and how excited we are to have her. I fall in love with her more and more everyday, if that's even possible. December/Jan feels so far away. I'm ready today.

But then...I've been ready for a while now.

First Annual Angel Day. GET INVOLVED!

Our First Annual Angel Day is planned for July 30th 2010.

On July 30th, 2009, Avery John Rauen left to be with the angels in the UNC Butterfly garden from his parents, Jared and Meghan's arms. His beloved family and amazing medical team looked on. He had fought heroically for 107 days against gastroschisis and his life has provided much unity, support and hope for a disease affecting many babies and many families all over the world.

We plan on honoring Avery and other gastroschsis survivors and victims every year on July 30th to raise awareness for the birth defect now affecting every 1 out of 2500 births in the US.

The event is to promote support and raise awareness of the members of your local community affected and how simple little gifts can mean so much.

There are events planned (location TBA) for the RDU area. They are listed below along with suggestions for events to promote, sponsor and put on in your area.

• Blood/Platelet/Plasma drive at area hospitals with NICU's (contact Meghan for NC area hospitals)

1 adult donation of plasma or blood saves 12 babies and gastroschisis babies require much during their surgeries.

• Please support the Ronald McDonald House by purchasing a Happy Meal or bringing your change in to a location or our planned potluck/picnic on the 30th.

The Ronald McDonald house provides access for parents to their children while they struggle through difficult diseases. However, they need your support! The houses tend to fill up quickly, while babies come in and have families who struggle to be by their side.

• On July 30th, Location TBA, at 5:30/6pm we will have a potluck/picnic.

Some food will be provided but please bring a dish to share.

• At 7pm we will do a butterfly release. (Suggested $2 donation to be part)

• At 8pm EST we're asking all families to light a candle or pause for a moment of silence to honor all survivors, victims, expecting parents and families enduring the journey.

You can also:

Promote and come up with a walk/marathon

Create a musical/family event

Promote your own blood/plasma drive at the hospital where your child was

Restaurant Promotional Event

If you would like to donate, get involved, volunteer your time or need help with suggestions please email us at meghanhall@averysangels.org

11,000 babies born today, 4.4 were born with gastroschisis. Let's do something about this. Let's take a moment to honor those families.

We hope you'll join us in our celebrations or have your own all over the world!

Love and blessings
Avery's Angels

Long time

So it's been long time for me to post.

Several activities since last time.

I miscarried in Febuary and was absolutly devestated. It rocked my world and I would spiral and not be able to grasp onto anything around me to pull me out. With some counseling and some meds I pulled through but was feeling very broken and alone.

I also was confronted rather sharply by a religious community I was part of devotedly through Avery's days and it also rocked my world. Jared's dad eventually told me, even through his own disappointment at the situation that "Don't let people who hurt you to rent space in your head or heart."

It's so true. I preach on it all the time. It doesn't matter how many hugs or kicks you did or didn't get, it's about this moment right now and what you're going to do with it and how you're going to live the rest of your life. I'm so glad that God took that moment to use him for those words.

Like everything in my life it's given me more fuel, more of a message and more passion. I was never lucky enough to be born into a Christian community and have always felt the brunt and coldness of the self-riteous who unknowingly look down upon those who aren't saved and speak with such condination and so little experience from being out of that world. I struggle, like anyone else who comes from my "outsider" experience of not feeling "good enough." Churches feel clichey often, and a place full of cookie-cutter people. I hope one day to grow a church where people genuinly can walk through the front doors and be taken in love at their pace in their lives with no strings and no expectations. I hope one day I can be the place where if it takes 80 years or 2 weeks to go down the journey, that you feel comforted and loved every step. Where God isn't the only person calling out, and you don't slip through the cracks, but that there are people consistantly calling and watching out for you. Just like I hope Avery's Angels to be.

I'm happy to say I am officially 12 weeks pregnant and due in Jaunary. It feels so very surreal and like a dream. I'm frightened and freaked at every cramp and pain and twitch. Jared laughs at me and tells me I'm a nut but I guess, granting my experience that it's normal and Mid-Carolina OBGYN has been so accomdating.

Avery's Angels finally has a functioning website! www.averysangels.org and we're growing in leaps and bounds. We suffer from lack of funding and have so many different families in need. I wish that we could strike it rich and get it all done.

We will have a Pepsi Refresh Project to vote on in August and God willing it will finally answer all of our funding needs!! Keep an eye out for posts and updates on voting and links to do so! It will only happen by vigelent people doing all the button pushing they can!!

Patience.......I'm learning again.....