My dear sweet boy,
I miss you and there are no words.
I see the days passing by the second,
and I can faintly hear the birds.
I feel the weight of the hours,
and I know you're smiling,
but here I am, alone,
even my spirit is crying.
They tell me that you're happy,
that you're perfect and whole,
then why am I left here like this?
So sad and so cold.
I miss you're sweet little laugh.
your smile and stare,
Your cry was my cry,
These memories are hard to bear.
I sleep to see you,
Your bone is my bone.
Your hurt I wanted
all for my own.
O my little love,
I would have traded my own life for yours.
Where my heart once was
just an ember still burns.
Heart of my own heart,
flesh of my flesh,
Did you know who to look for up there
when you left?
They tell me you're not in the ground,
but your little body I carried,
where I went you went with me,
where I tarried you tarried.
We grew together,
so how can I not cry?
A mother cannot soon forget,
that precious special time.
No, cold stones and earth do not suite you,
you were meant for so much more.
I can't find the sun,
not when my own heart is tore.
Can you see me?
Do you know who I am?
Will you recognize me
when Our Father calls me home again?
The sun keeps shining,
and down comes the rain,
and I want it all to stop without you.
I never wanted this pain.
I do not want to snow and the lights,
I do not want the spring and the warm nights,
I wanted to watch you and your blue eyes,
as you learned about the world and the skies.
My sweet little love,
there are mothers and fathers,
and other babies all around,
and I can't help but feel it's all unfair,
that mine own hope is buried in the ground.
I miss you my son,
My smile may return, we will see,
I never wanted to leave you,
I never thought you would leave me.
You left with the angels,
your own set of wings,
O Little Son of mine,
explain to me these things.
Why Our Father called you home,
why I'm left alone,
why the days continue on,
and the nights seem so long.
One day I will be with you,
and I won't let you go.
For now I'm still waiting for my rainbow.
There's been enough rain.
I'm watching the sky patiently,
and I can't wait to see you again.
Little wee lad,
I can here you say,
Don't be sad Mommy,
Don't cry, it's going to be OK.
You're Mommy isn't sad,
she just misses you so,
where I once had my heart,
there's just a big hole.
I will see you again,
in my dreams every night,
until then hold on to me tight.
I Love you my son,
I hope that much you know.
Tell the Father to Watch over me and your daddy,
everywhere we go.
Keep smiling my little Avery
and dance on the clouds,
I will play your little mobile.
those are those tinkling, familiar sounds.
I kept that precious toy,
if you can hear it in heaven,
I hope they bring you joy.
My love to you above all things,
You left me with butterflies,
My little love with angel wings.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Avery's Story Part I
Avery's story starts back in July of 2008, actually further back then that.
When I was 18 and my freshman year of college at the wonderful University of NC at Chapel Hill I was raped in my dormroom. Scared and not wanting to risk my future at the hands and intentions of someone else I went to get birthcontrol.
A lot of my upbringing had taught me that only "stupid girls" got raped, drunk at a frat party or downtown in a miniskirt. It took me understanding what happened to me to learn that no one asks to be raped (the same as no one asking to have their wallet stolen) and that anyone can be raped.
The pap smear I took to get the birth control I never expected to show anything of any sort. But I received a frantic phone call from the doctor telling me to check myself into the Women's Hospital at UNC ASAP, that there were high-levels of cancerous cells present on my cervix.
Scared and very much alone, I went in and had several biopsies, clyposcopies and tests run. I tested positive for a non-HP related, level 5 cervical cancer.
I had never thought of anything other than my future all my life. I wasn't the little girl who pretended to be a mommy, I was the one dreaming of space ships, the white house and saving endangered whales. And here I was confronted by my own mortality and something that I think most young ladies and girls take as just being part of being a girl; the ability to conceive and carry children. I was standing on the threshold of my future and I was having to consider things that I had never thought about, planned for or even decided whether or not I wanted.
I can't get into a clear and short story about my parents. Both are from very poor backgrounds. My mother is from Iran and came to this country with hopes of freedom and education. My father is from Virginia and the oldest of 10 kids from very young parents. I can't make any apologies for the way that they are; I love them as the givers of my life and the guardians of my childhood. But this was the beginning of the end of that wide-eyed parent/child relationship for us.
My mother decided that God had smote me for premarital sex and they decided they would rather stay out of most of the treatment process. My doctor had to ask my mother to take me to my last treatment, where she spent our time in the waiting room sighing and reprimanding me.
For the next 4 years I went every 3-6 months to the OBGYN to make sure the cancer was staying away. Doctors told me at best it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive. I went through a tremulous relationship with an abusive alcoholic, found Christ, got baptized, graduated college and started a new life on a fresh page.
My beloved Grandfather had passed away in November 2007. I had been so consumed with my education and career that this event triggered a time of deep self-reflection. My parents had started to repair their relationship with me and I was starting to figure out that I did want a career that was more family oriented and that I spent my time bettering my community and world.
Then I met Jared. And my whole life changed
Jared is the most amazing man that God has ever created. Second only to Christ and my beloved son. He is genuine, steadfast, giving, faithful and ridiculous. I love him more than I ever thought possible.
I lost my job in July of 2008. Between finding a new job and moving I decided that $30 for gas or birth control, gas was more important. At anyrate, my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none.
Who knew August 28th I would be sitting on the side of my tub with 4 pregnancy tests trying to figure out what in the world had happened.
What was I going to tell Jared? Would he be happy or mad? My parents were going to kill me. I knew that much. What would my church say? What would my new job at a school think? What had I done?
For Jared's birthday that year I had bought us tickets to see his favorite MLB team play in Wisconsin on the 8th. We had planned a family trip and I didn't know what to do. Should I disappear? Would I be ruining everyone's life involved? Beyond scared was where I was.
I prayed so hard to Christ the day I decided to tell him. We were leaving that afternoon. I told Jesus, "You're going to have to send a sign that slaps me across the face because I don't know what to do at all." John Mayer's song "Say" came on the radio at that instant and I started laughing and crying. I pulled up to Jared's house and prayed again "God you're going to have to shove me through the door you opened, because I'm still not strong enough."
Jared was packing, and I came into his bathroom to help him collect his things. He looked at me and said "You haven't had your period recently."
God pushed me, I sat down on the edge of his garden tub.
Well needless to say that boy was so happy. Tears came to his eyes and he got very excited.
The next months were filled with anger from both parental sides. My parents were the worst, telling us they couldn't be part of our lives. Jared's parents were understandably disappointed in us and scared for us. Many days were spent just Avery and I wondering what was to come and praying.
October 15th they put my little boy on the ultrasound machine for the first time and I cried. He moved and wiggled his tiny feet. Everything I knew and had ever thought flew out the window. I was 10 weeks along. The doctors were surprised that there I was and there he was.
If you're not pro-life I have a sonogram DVD of my tiny son at 10 weeks. You can see his little feet and toes perfectly. Before I met my son at that second I didn't think there was anything wrong with abortion. I'm not going to get preachy, but take your pills, put in your ring, wear your condoms or take plan-b. But if you want to know when life starts, it starts when that cell has the intention of being a baby. It is your body, but it's no longer just yours. And it has nothing to do with a male, it has everything to do with a tiny person. There's no gray area. Abortion is wrong, Avery can show you little feet at 10 weeks to prove it to you.
We did everything we could. All the blood tests, every appointment, all the vitamins. December 1st the genetic counselor called us and told us that a test had come back positive for spina abifida.
Scared doesn't cover the emotion. I don't remember getting to school. I remember all the love from my co workers, I remember hearing that we would have to come in for a counseling session and ultra sound. They would check the baby to see how bad it was and whether or not we could continue the pregnancy.
There was no doubt we would though, God had granted us Avery and we were going to fight.
We stayed up for almost 36 hours waiting to get in for an ultra sound. I remember thinking "This boy moves too much to have anything wrong with his spin." (Yes, I knew he was a boy before they told me.)
Jared and I drove out to our appointment. Talk about the longest wait in the world. They took us to the room and I laid on the table. Jared, who has ADHD bad, put on purple gloves and picked up a long swab stick, put my bed all the way up and that poor specialist walked into a pretty funny sight.
I told the ultra sound specialist that I thought it was weird that they thought something wrong with his spine for the amount he moved. She just smiled slightly and told us "We'll see."
I'll never forget she put that cold gel on my tummy and Avery ran from one side of my tummy to the other. She asked me if I could get him to settle down. I laughed and pointed at my nervous, purple-gloved honey and said "I have as much control over this one as I do his father."
It was gastroschisis, and yes it was a boy they said. Gastroschisis was much better than spina-abifida. Gastroschisis they could fix and he would be completely normal. No problem. Less than 8% chance of anything going wrong. One surgery, most time he'd spend in the hospital would be 30 days.
We would go to UNC Chapel Hill, number one in the state for Gastroschisis. They see 98% of all gastroschisis cases and have pediatric surgeons and the best facility in the state.
And me being the professional mommy that I am, I did all my research, started a 5 ring binder/notebook on all my questions and all my problems. I would be as ready as I could be.
We immediately got a phone call from our OBGYN coordinator Mya, to set up my first appointment. Gastroschisis mommies and babies have to have ultra sounds once a month. Month 7 twice a month. Month 8 twice a week. I was going to get very close to the entire OBGYN team. And we did.
December 23rd Jared was hospitalized for appendicitis. It was also the date of my big preliminary appointment with UNC. So after spending 12 hours with my morphined honey, I went to Rex in Raleigh to meet with Dr. Cheshire, a sonogram specialist and a genetic counselor. The appointment lasted 3 hours, more blood was taken and I got 3D pictures of my son. A plan for the coming months was outlined.
Of course you think over everything that you've ever done, blame yourself. The night I found I was pregnant I took some heavy duty Tylenol and Ibuprofen to this day I still wonder if that had an affect on him. No matter how many doctors and specialist tell me there was absolutely nothing that I could have ever done differently or to prevent it I still wonder.
Guilt will eat you alive. What if.....?
But all indications were that Avery was the healthiest Gastroschisis baby they had in a while. They had to monitor his weight because after a certain point Gastroschisis babies stop growing. Then they have to start worrying. Balancing the premi issues and waiting too long can raise the chances of being born still. But he was healthy, they kept telling me. Everything looked good.
In March I moved in with Jared. I had said good-bye for a while to my extended family at a shower they threw me in February. I had to stay close to a hospital for a while from then on. I got close to the sonogram specialists at Rex and UNC, especially Dorette, who was obsessed with taking as many 3D pictures of Avery as she could. We could wall paper our house with the pictures we got.
In December my little brother bought me the Baby Mozart set. Every day Avery and I listened to Mozart and Beethoven. I talked to him all the time, rubbed him, sang to him, read him stories. I rocked my body at night to rock him to sleep. That little bugger thought it was play time every time mommy sat still. So to keep him still I had to move and talk to him. He was my bat-boy. He spent 98% of the pregnancy upside down with his tiny feet in my ribs.
My wee angel. My sweet boy. My little love. Today is 4 weeks since the angels took you from your daddy and me. I miss you.
When I was 18 and my freshman year of college at the wonderful University of NC at Chapel Hill I was raped in my dormroom. Scared and not wanting to risk my future at the hands and intentions of someone else I went to get birthcontrol.
A lot of my upbringing had taught me that only "stupid girls" got raped, drunk at a frat party or downtown in a miniskirt. It took me understanding what happened to me to learn that no one asks to be raped (the same as no one asking to have their wallet stolen) and that anyone can be raped.
The pap smear I took to get the birth control I never expected to show anything of any sort. But I received a frantic phone call from the doctor telling me to check myself into the Women's Hospital at UNC ASAP, that there were high-levels of cancerous cells present on my cervix.
Scared and very much alone, I went in and had several biopsies, clyposcopies and tests run. I tested positive for a non-HP related, level 5 cervical cancer.
I had never thought of anything other than my future all my life. I wasn't the little girl who pretended to be a mommy, I was the one dreaming of space ships, the white house and saving endangered whales. And here I was confronted by my own mortality and something that I think most young ladies and girls take as just being part of being a girl; the ability to conceive and carry children. I was standing on the threshold of my future and I was having to consider things that I had never thought about, planned for or even decided whether or not I wanted.
I can't get into a clear and short story about my parents. Both are from very poor backgrounds. My mother is from Iran and came to this country with hopes of freedom and education. My father is from Virginia and the oldest of 10 kids from very young parents. I can't make any apologies for the way that they are; I love them as the givers of my life and the guardians of my childhood. But this was the beginning of the end of that wide-eyed parent/child relationship for us.
My mother decided that God had smote me for premarital sex and they decided they would rather stay out of most of the treatment process. My doctor had to ask my mother to take me to my last treatment, where she spent our time in the waiting room sighing and reprimanding me.
For the next 4 years I went every 3-6 months to the OBGYN to make sure the cancer was staying away. Doctors told me at best it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive. I went through a tremulous relationship with an abusive alcoholic, found Christ, got baptized, graduated college and started a new life on a fresh page.
My beloved Grandfather had passed away in November 2007. I had been so consumed with my education and career that this event triggered a time of deep self-reflection. My parents had started to repair their relationship with me and I was starting to figure out that I did want a career that was more family oriented and that I spent my time bettering my community and world.
Then I met Jared. And my whole life changed
Jared is the most amazing man that God has ever created. Second only to Christ and my beloved son. He is genuine, steadfast, giving, faithful and ridiculous. I love him more than I ever thought possible.
I lost my job in July of 2008. Between finding a new job and moving I decided that $30 for gas or birth control, gas was more important. At anyrate, my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none.
Who knew August 28th I would be sitting on the side of my tub with 4 pregnancy tests trying to figure out what in the world had happened.
What was I going to tell Jared? Would he be happy or mad? My parents were going to kill me. I knew that much. What would my church say? What would my new job at a school think? What had I done?
For Jared's birthday that year I had bought us tickets to see his favorite MLB team play in Wisconsin on the 8th. We had planned a family trip and I didn't know what to do. Should I disappear? Would I be ruining everyone's life involved? Beyond scared was where I was.
I prayed so hard to Christ the day I decided to tell him. We were leaving that afternoon. I told Jesus, "You're going to have to send a sign that slaps me across the face because I don't know what to do at all." John Mayer's song "Say" came on the radio at that instant and I started laughing and crying. I pulled up to Jared's house and prayed again "God you're going to have to shove me through the door you opened, because I'm still not strong enough."
Jared was packing, and I came into his bathroom to help him collect his things. He looked at me and said "You haven't had your period recently."
God pushed me, I sat down on the edge of his garden tub.
Well needless to say that boy was so happy. Tears came to his eyes and he got very excited.
The next months were filled with anger from both parental sides. My parents were the worst, telling us they couldn't be part of our lives. Jared's parents were understandably disappointed in us and scared for us. Many days were spent just Avery and I wondering what was to come and praying.
October 15th they put my little boy on the ultrasound machine for the first time and I cried. He moved and wiggled his tiny feet. Everything I knew and had ever thought flew out the window. I was 10 weeks along. The doctors were surprised that there I was and there he was.
If you're not pro-life I have a sonogram DVD of my tiny son at 10 weeks. You can see his little feet and toes perfectly. Before I met my son at that second I didn't think there was anything wrong with abortion. I'm not going to get preachy, but take your pills, put in your ring, wear your condoms or take plan-b. But if you want to know when life starts, it starts when that cell has the intention of being a baby. It is your body, but it's no longer just yours. And it has nothing to do with a male, it has everything to do with a tiny person. There's no gray area. Abortion is wrong, Avery can show you little feet at 10 weeks to prove it to you.
We did everything we could. All the blood tests, every appointment, all the vitamins. December 1st the genetic counselor called us and told us that a test had come back positive for spina abifida.
Scared doesn't cover the emotion. I don't remember getting to school. I remember all the love from my co workers, I remember hearing that we would have to come in for a counseling session and ultra sound. They would check the baby to see how bad it was and whether or not we could continue the pregnancy.
There was no doubt we would though, God had granted us Avery and we were going to fight.
We stayed up for almost 36 hours waiting to get in for an ultra sound. I remember thinking "This boy moves too much to have anything wrong with his spin." (Yes, I knew he was a boy before they told me.)
Jared and I drove out to our appointment. Talk about the longest wait in the world. They took us to the room and I laid on the table. Jared, who has ADHD bad, put on purple gloves and picked up a long swab stick, put my bed all the way up and that poor specialist walked into a pretty funny sight.
I told the ultra sound specialist that I thought it was weird that they thought something wrong with his spine for the amount he moved. She just smiled slightly and told us "We'll see."
I'll never forget she put that cold gel on my tummy and Avery ran from one side of my tummy to the other. She asked me if I could get him to settle down. I laughed and pointed at my nervous, purple-gloved honey and said "I have as much control over this one as I do his father."
It was gastroschisis, and yes it was a boy they said. Gastroschisis was much better than spina-abifida. Gastroschisis they could fix and he would be completely normal. No problem. Less than 8% chance of anything going wrong. One surgery, most time he'd spend in the hospital would be 30 days.
We would go to UNC Chapel Hill, number one in the state for Gastroschisis. They see 98% of all gastroschisis cases and have pediatric surgeons and the best facility in the state.
And me being the professional mommy that I am, I did all my research, started a 5 ring binder/notebook on all my questions and all my problems. I would be as ready as I could be.
We immediately got a phone call from our OBGYN coordinator Mya, to set up my first appointment. Gastroschisis mommies and babies have to have ultra sounds once a month. Month 7 twice a month. Month 8 twice a week. I was going to get very close to the entire OBGYN team. And we did.
December 23rd Jared was hospitalized for appendicitis. It was also the date of my big preliminary appointment with UNC. So after spending 12 hours with my morphined honey, I went to Rex in Raleigh to meet with Dr. Cheshire, a sonogram specialist and a genetic counselor. The appointment lasted 3 hours, more blood was taken and I got 3D pictures of my son. A plan for the coming months was outlined.
Of course you think over everything that you've ever done, blame yourself. The night I found I was pregnant I took some heavy duty Tylenol and Ibuprofen to this day I still wonder if that had an affect on him. No matter how many doctors and specialist tell me there was absolutely nothing that I could have ever done differently or to prevent it I still wonder.
Guilt will eat you alive. What if.....?
But all indications were that Avery was the healthiest Gastroschisis baby they had in a while. They had to monitor his weight because after a certain point Gastroschisis babies stop growing. Then they have to start worrying. Balancing the premi issues and waiting too long can raise the chances of being born still. But he was healthy, they kept telling me. Everything looked good.
In March I moved in with Jared. I had said good-bye for a while to my extended family at a shower they threw me in February. I had to stay close to a hospital for a while from then on. I got close to the sonogram specialists at Rex and UNC, especially Dorette, who was obsessed with taking as many 3D pictures of Avery as she could. We could wall paper our house with the pictures we got.
In December my little brother bought me the Baby Mozart set. Every day Avery and I listened to Mozart and Beethoven. I talked to him all the time, rubbed him, sang to him, read him stories. I rocked my body at night to rock him to sleep. That little bugger thought it was play time every time mommy sat still. So to keep him still I had to move and talk to him. He was my bat-boy. He spent 98% of the pregnancy upside down with his tiny feet in my ribs.
My wee angel. My sweet boy. My little love. Today is 4 weeks since the angels took you from your daddy and me. I miss you.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Right now
It's a day by day thing. Stupid quetions:
- How are you? Or Are you OK?
No, I'm not. And it's never going to get better. I'm just going to have to learn to live with it.
Other stupid questions and comments:
- He's in a better place.
- God intended him for something else
- God needed another angel
First off, God doesn't need anything, I know he's in a better place but I'm stuck here, so that does nothing for me.
Bottom line is I miss my son. I'm struggling with being angry at God for taking my son and leaving me here. I know that the little body in the ground is a shell but it's not like grandparents and friends and relatives, I carried that wee boy inside of me. That shell is born of me. I gave him his feet for crying out loud. He doesn't belong in the ground.
I struggle with trying to find me. Every spare minute of every day was for him, everything was for Avery. Now he's not here. I am and always be Avery's mommy but I'm not a mom. I don't want things to change, I don't want to be anything else.
I miss you Avery John. Your mommy misses you, my sweet boy.
I know someday God will tell me why. But truthfully I don't want to know why, in this body, in this capacity. When He takes me home and gives me my perfect self and my perfect mind, then. I can't and don't want to comprehend in this mind a God that justifies this. I just can't and don't want to.
And that's ok.
I was joking with our dear sweet Aunt Jessica that I'm going to be at the Gate, and Saint Peter will just look at me and say "Just a minute, my boss is coming to talk with you"
Then we're going to walk through a field full of hydrangias (my favorite flower) and He'll explain all of it, my whole life to me.
I expect He might even say "I'm sorry" and I will say "You darn right." haha.
And then I'm going to see my precious little boy. When you look for me there, that's where we'll be.
But in the meantime I'm stuck here with my broken heart, broken body and broken mind. I just have to learn to live with it, it's never going to get better or easier, I'm just going to learn how to live with it.
Some people have physical handicaps that they learn to live with, missing legs, arms and so on. I am learning to live with out part of my heart.
- How are you? Or Are you OK?
No, I'm not. And it's never going to get better. I'm just going to have to learn to live with it.
Other stupid questions and comments:
- He's in a better place.
- God intended him for something else
- God needed another angel
First off, God doesn't need anything, I know he's in a better place but I'm stuck here, so that does nothing for me.
Bottom line is I miss my son. I'm struggling with being angry at God for taking my son and leaving me here. I know that the little body in the ground is a shell but it's not like grandparents and friends and relatives, I carried that wee boy inside of me. That shell is born of me. I gave him his feet for crying out loud. He doesn't belong in the ground.
I struggle with trying to find me. Every spare minute of every day was for him, everything was for Avery. Now he's not here. I am and always be Avery's mommy but I'm not a mom. I don't want things to change, I don't want to be anything else.
I miss you Avery John. Your mommy misses you, my sweet boy.
I know someday God will tell me why. But truthfully I don't want to know why, in this body, in this capacity. When He takes me home and gives me my perfect self and my perfect mind, then. I can't and don't want to comprehend in this mind a God that justifies this. I just can't and don't want to.
And that's ok.
I was joking with our dear sweet Aunt Jessica that I'm going to be at the Gate, and Saint Peter will just look at me and say "Just a minute, my boss is coming to talk with you"
Then we're going to walk through a field full of hydrangias (my favorite flower) and He'll explain all of it, my whole life to me.
I expect He might even say "I'm sorry" and I will say "You darn right." haha.
And then I'm going to see my precious little boy. When you look for me there, that's where we'll be.
But in the meantime I'm stuck here with my broken heart, broken body and broken mind. I just have to learn to live with it, it's never going to get better or easier, I'm just going to learn how to live with it.
Some people have physical handicaps that they learn to live with, missing legs, arms and so on. I am learning to live with out part of my heart.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Amen
So I'm going to try this. I will start off by saying I'm not sure about all this. I'm not comfortable talking about my feelings during hard times. I already feel vunerable. Talking about it just makes me feel exposed and more vunerable. But if this can bring me some closure and make my little Avery's life not be in vain, then I'm willing to try.
First off I'm miserable. I feel like the Llorona. A ghost, lost, crying, searching. This is the first time in my life where I can't seem to find my bounce back. And I've bounced back from a lot.
Broken hearted but still seeking God, hurt but still trying.
First off I'm miserable. I feel like the Llorona. A ghost, lost, crying, searching. This is the first time in my life where I can't seem to find my bounce back. And I've bounced back from a lot.
Broken hearted but still seeking God, hurt but still trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
