It's a day by day thing. Stupid quetions:
- How are you? Or Are you OK?
No, I'm not. And it's never going to get better. I'm just going to have to learn to live with it.
Other stupid questions and comments:
- He's in a better place.
- God intended him for something else
- God needed another angel
First off, God doesn't need anything, I know he's in a better place but I'm stuck here, so that does nothing for me.
Bottom line is I miss my son. I'm struggling with being angry at God for taking my son and leaving me here. I know that the little body in the ground is a shell but it's not like grandparents and friends and relatives, I carried that wee boy inside of me. That shell is born of me. I gave him his feet for crying out loud. He doesn't belong in the ground.
I struggle with trying to find me. Every spare minute of every day was for him, everything was for Avery. Now he's not here. I am and always be Avery's mommy but I'm not a mom. I don't want things to change, I don't want to be anything else.
I miss you Avery John. Your mommy misses you, my sweet boy.
I know someday God will tell me why. But truthfully I don't want to know why, in this body, in this capacity. When He takes me home and gives me my perfect self and my perfect mind, then. I can't and don't want to comprehend in this mind a God that justifies this. I just can't and don't want to.
And that's ok.
I was joking with our dear sweet Aunt Jessica that I'm going to be at the Gate, and Saint Peter will just look at me and say "Just a minute, my boss is coming to talk with you"
Then we're going to walk through a field full of hydrangias (my favorite flower) and He'll explain all of it, my whole life to me.
I expect He might even say "I'm sorry" and I will say "You darn right." haha.
And then I'm going to see my precious little boy. When you look for me there, that's where we'll be.
But in the meantime I'm stuck here with my broken heart, broken body and broken mind. I just have to learn to live with it, it's never going to get better or easier, I'm just going to learn how to live with it.
Some people have physical handicaps that they learn to live with, missing legs, arms and so on. I am learning to live with out part of my heart.
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I'm glad you are putting all this out there. You are a very strong woman and I will always be in awe of you for that. Love you!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to understand why a loving God lets horrible things happen, I think it's something we never will fully understand until we reach heaven. However, one thing we can grasp is that God allows these horrible moments to bring us closer to Him.
ReplyDeleteHis plan for each and every one of us, is to glorify him and die to our self (Galatians 2:20). Take this time to come closer to God (although that might seem very difficult when trying to deal with why he let this happen). He doesn't expect you not to hurt, only to depend on him. He is your comforter, provider, strength, and most importantly your savior.
I pray that you will look to God for comfort, and that your relationship with him will only strengthen as you feel how empty and painful this world is.
You have experienced great loss, one that your Father can definitely relate to. Reflect on His love.