I don't know what to say/do

Here are things NOT to say to a person who has lost a child;

"I understand, I lost a parent/sibling/spouse/grandparent/best friend."

Nope! Not the same AT ALL.

Just don't say "I understand." Just steer clear of that totally.

"Well he's in a better place."

Extremely hurtful and not helpful.

"God needed....." fill in the blank there.

God doesn't need anything. So leave that be.

The moral is there is no right words here. There is nothing but time and love. Don't ignor the pain, ask often how they are. Don't ask "are you OK?" because it's going to take a long time for them to get anywhere close to "OK." Just ask "Hey, how are you today." Be prepared for honesty.

The phrase that helped me the most was;
"I can't even imagine."
Or
"I don't want to even think of what you're going through."

It justifies the pain it justifies the miss ache and hurt.

Even months/weeks/years down the line let them know that you haven't forgotten and they're not forgotten and their baby hasn't been forgotten. Tell them "Hey, I want you to know that I still think about baby and you're an amazing mother/father."

Meals are helpful. Gift cards to resturants with Carry out are helpful. Grocery shopping is also helpful.

Ask about Sympathy cards and momentoes. Be PREPARED that they may not want that "beautiful" plaque that you think is just "perfect," or the card that you think might just have the "perfect words." Remember, it's not about what you think would be helpful. It's about what they need.

Here's why, I'm going to use my example, sorry for the selfishness;

The day when "100% brain dead" sank in was awful. We were so torn between giving our son peace and wanting just to keep him around forever. There are details that will rip your heart out. But it comes down to Jared and I took our beautiful son out to the butterfly garden and they took the breathing tube out and we sat there in the dark as his little heart stopped beating. We watched the color ebb from his face, his little lips turned blue, his body became heavy. I was so beside myself I carried him all the way up to the morgue. I heard the refridgerator door shut. I saw the toe tag. And then I had to sit in a funeral home and figure out how to put that tiny body in the ground. The tiny body I carried for 9 months.

Any gift I get that commemorates the fact that my son is dead takes me to that day. Those moments. It doesn't remind me of my wee laddy laughing of his mobile. They come because of his death. And when I get them I remember 1) he's dead and 2) what that looked like.

I don't know that that's what your loved one goes through with every gift per say. But I'm begging you to consider that. We got lots of very nice gestures. But they were not helpful to our healing. Maybe the givers. But not to our comfort. The dates are so hard to see. The fact that they're coming because he was dead is was hurtful. The messages about angels watching over just added to the ache. We don't want him watching over us. We wanted to watch over him.

Ask those loved ones who have lost to close their eyes and imagine what they would see, feel, smell, hear that reminds them of the goodness that their baby brought to them. If they don't know what that is, then just wait for their signs. Just love on them.

There are so so so many bills! Some of them will want to spend some time in the home away from work and that's costly. There are light bills, electricity, gas, cars, insurance, rent/mortgages, water, phones, school, food, credit cards. The last thing they really want to think about. I know it sounds rude, but money takes a huge stress away and puts the energy back on the healing.

It was the greatest gift when combined from Jared's family, Journey Church, my school friends and Little Stepping Stones rose up and helped take care of our bills for a whole 2 months. We got to spend a few weeks in our little hole being with each other and healing with out worrying about the landlord calling and the lights being shut off.

Trips are helpful and healing. Time to get away. Time to heal together. Try and start. One of the most amazing things we did after Avery passed away was go to the Biltmore House with Jared's parents. It gave us something to look forward to and be with the people that we love. Be careful to not send them to a place that will just remind them of what they lost.

Little stepping stones decided to do a butterfly garden at the daycare so that Avery can look after and play with the children there. That's amazing, that comemorates his life.

I can't tell you how many rose bushes and trees people are going to give. So ask first. Asking is the best. Don't try and be a mindreader. Don't "take it upon yourself" to do things without being directed.

Please please please know that your love is so appreciated. Your aching for the ache is God in you. Just listen for how that energy should be directed. I can't say it enough. Don't be a mind reader.

I hope this helps. I know how helpless it must feel to watch someone go through this. Just loving on them helps more than you know. You don't have any answers and that's OK. It's the shoulder, the ear and the support that you do have that is more helpful than anything you may say.