Message to the Searching

I'm going to work on this post and at too it.

First of all, please know that you're not alone. We don't want to add anymore families to the ranks of Parents of Angels, but you are among a good people. And we love you.

You won't meet all of us, but we share a very special part of heaven. We share a very special hope.

And some of you may not be ready for the word hope yet. You might be fresh or still very angry and hurt about it and that's OK. There's no prescription or time limit for you to start gathering some peace and start looking for hope, just know that some day you'll start seeing hope again.

It will peak out at you in very small ways. Quietly steeping back into your life. It won't ever be reason enough to cover the deep gash in your heart that burrows through to your soul. But it will give you a small balm to ease the pain.

Some of you maybe like me. The hope for a family was in the child that is now gone. You're left with empty arms and searching new faces for some fiber of a family. You've learned, as I, that during the toughest of times, true colors are not only shown, they're flaunted.

You're learning to let go and trust. You're heart was probably already plenty bruised, and now this scar is taking the very breath out of your body. But there are hands reaching into yours, there are shoulders waiting to be soaked. Please allow them to come and hold you. Forget your pride. Fall and let them catch you. Pick up the phone and ask for the stranger who you barely know who has offered come and sit with you on your couch, in your car, on the park bench and cry, scream, yell.

Make no apologies. None will be accepted because they are unnecessary.

Some of you have amazing support around you, built in and you're nesting in a burrow of love. How very special that is. One day you will look back and see God's face and love in the faces that tenderly took your heart and tried to help.

When you get those God forsaken sympathy cards don't read the shallow words that Hallmark has prescribed to you. Look at the names and write them down. It's not the card, its the person who sent it. It's something tangible that they're trying to reach to you.

It's OK to toss them still sealed just looking at the return address. This is your pain this is your loss. Grief is something that others feel for you as the Spirit turns in empathy. But it's not up to you to give the closure to others. Don't be responsible for the grief and closure of others.

It's OK to tell your friends "I just can't be a good friend right now. I can't listen to your problems because even though I don't want to, I'm going to compare them to mine and it's just going to be impossible for me to give to you what you need."

It's honest, it's the truth.

It's OK to turn your phones off. It's OK to not check your email. It's OK to want to sleep all day and cry all night. It's even OK to want to share your story with every stranger that you're moved to speak to.

People will speak to you of loosing their parents, spouses, uncles and aunts, grandparents, siblings and best friends. It's OK to say "It's not the same at all." It's OK to tell them, "I just can't listen to this right now. You don't get it." You don't have to explain why, and it's OK if you want to explain "This was my child, my hope, this is not the natural thing, for a parent to bury their child. It's not the same at all."

It's OK to tell people "You don't understand" because they don't.

I'm telling you be honest. Be true. If you can't deal with the words, the rest of the world dealing with you then don't! It's not up to the rest of the world.

No one is a mind reader. You will find that those who you relate to the most are parents that lost children too.

Some of you will find even still it's hard to relate to those who have children; parents who lost a twin but still have a child. You come home to an empty nursery and nothing to pour those motherly and fatherly instincts into at all. You don't want to re-learn your life.

Some of you will find it hard to be around twins that both survived. Around mothers that had easy pregnacies, deliveries and then went right home.

You'll long for the abilility to be exhausted trying to take care of a newborn, an infant a child. Wanting the stress of having both twins with you, or just any baby. You'll get mad at people who say that "Man! If I could just get a break!"

You'll find you can't be around pregnant women, you can't be around babies, children. It will make you sick to your stomach.

People will complain about their children, and it's OK to say "I would love to have that in my life." You'll just be reminding them of the gift that they have.

It's OK to be mad at God. It's OK to be mad for a long time. It's OK to watch one of you heal faster than the other. It's OK for one to take a really long time. It's OK if you both take a very long time.

It's OK if one of you jumps back into work, if you both do. It's OK. It's even OK to take a very long time to go back to work. Just support each other and what each other needs. Don't feel like you have the answers for the other, or knows what the other needs. Each is dealing with it in their way, as a mother and the person, as a father and the person.

It's OK if you can't speak of it for years.

It's OK to hate watching the person you love go through this and not know what to say. It's OK to hurt watching them hurt. It's OK to hate not knowing what to do. You do have empathy and love. You understand because you were there too. And you have love. Listen, listen and love.

There's no right or wrong way to deal with this.

I can't visit Avery's grave site. It's too much for me. Some will go every day. Some won't go at all. It's OK.

Here's what's not OK;

Not asking for help.
Not being honest with yourself, God and those around you.
Holding in any emotion. Trying to rationalize why you shouldn't feel hurt.
Trying to "brush things off."

Try with all you have to heal whole and not heal in bitterness. If you can't find your faith in all this, that's OK. Just keep yelling at God that you're angry and frustrated. Yell at Him to send answers. Be ready when some of them come as whispers.

He'll send His calling card as small bits of hope. You'll get to where you start seeing it.

Then there will be days where you've started to live without and you'll be going along and all of a sudden, in the library, in the mall, in the grocery store, you'll reach for something and just burst into tears.

Cry. The tears that fall from your eyes have fallen from His eyes first.

It's no comfort, but God knows, He sent His perfect and only son to die for sinners. He watched his baby boy be born into a cold world with no crib to spare. He listen to the suffering as he laid on the cross. He watched as those whom His son was saving jeered and laughed at His baby boy suffered.

And Mary was there too. She gave birth to a Son she knew would live to die. A son she would bury while she was still living.

As did David. As did Job. As did Adam.

It doesn't help. I know some of these words don't help. But I want you to think of this;

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac and stopped him. In that moment, I want you to think of this. I've often wondered if in that moment, God thought; I can't put my child through this deep pain. It's too much and I must take it as my own. I will send my son. I will sacrifice my son because this is pain is too much for my child. I will take on this pain for him. He has proven his faithfulness. But the pain of loosing his long awaited son, I don't want that for him. That pain is too much.

God knows.

Remember we are created in his image. This includes some of the emotions we feel.

Through all this, when you're ready, give God a chance. I know some of you are saying "Well, He didn't give me a chance." You're right, it certainly doesn't seem that way. I'm not saying give Him a chance, I'm saying give Him the opportunity to heal you.

It will come from those around you. It will come from things you find. There little love notes from God saying "I love you. I know you're hurting and angry and I can't explain right now, but I Love you."

But when you're ready to listen to His whisper. Don't rush. Be honest with Him.

I will tell you that the miss will stay. But you will find some peace. Some day peace will come. Time, which this hurts and sucks to hear in the abyss that you feel like you're spiraling in, time will heal. Time will teach you that there was greatness in the loss, that in some way it was a blessing.

That may sound so back handed to you. Some of you will find hope in that. It's all OK.

Look for the resources. Don't be afraid to ask for counselors. Don't be afraid to get some sleep aides, some anti-anxiety medication. If your pastor tries to tell you "Hey, this is what's going on." Um yes, he/she's wrong. Find the one that says "There's no words for what you're going through right now. I'm so sorry. I don't have the answers." Because that's the truth.

Loving on you is all that anyone can do for you.

Please go to these sites http://www.october15th.com/ and http://www.october15thraleigh.com/ because there are resources there for all sorts of grieving. Seek them and you will find the right balm for you.

I can thank;
Jared
Jared's family
My little brother
My Journey Church family; Lisa and Dave, Janice, Paul, Jimmy, Smooth, Rusty, Karen, Paul and Blaire, Steven and Sheri
My Cooper Family; Cynthia and the 1st grade team, Barry, Kristy, Kimberly, the 3rd grade team and Mrs. Rao, Mrs. White, Anthony, Julie Taylor, Dani, Trisha, Jackie, Star, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Fontaine, Mrs. Lebo, Ranae and Debbie.
Anthony and Sherri Clayborne,
My wonderful Little Stepping Stone's Family; Beth and Tracey especially
Bonnie Wetzel
Malia and Jessica
Lillian
Biby Shapiro
Jessica Holmes
Aunt Jonie, Aunt Kim
Ashley Carter
Ashley Saddock

These people are my family. Those who gave more than they could. Those who give more than I could ask. Find your family. Let them hold you. Let them soak your tears.

If you need me meghahall07@gmail.com