Musings from a bubble bath Part 1

(Sent from my phone, so that's why there are so many parts!)

So a few of you know all too well how much I've been struggling with this holiday, and I mean, really struggling. Not sleeping, breaking down inconsolably at work, cranky at worship (sorry team!!) When I go to lay my head down to sleep my mind swirls like a bad Quinton Tarantino movie; sorted montages, dismembered voices, haunting memories. I have to pray for God to quiet my mind so I can sleep. I've been desperate enough to ask for a medication to help me sleep. To relax, to quit the obsessing.

I'd like to believe my angst is as deep as it is because all the turmoil has me wrapped up and flung far away from what and where I see myself; an encourager and a positive "Pollyanna". I'm downcast, always complaining, heaving my burdens on the ears of anyone who will listen. I feel selfish, guilty, foreign, lost and confused; like I woke up in someone else's life.

Bear with me, it is going to get better.

To add to myself, Jared and I are hoping for another baby. A baby to look forward to, to steep hope back into our lives, give us a positive to stress over, plan for, excite in. Essentially, to save our hope, to save our lives.

Don't get me wrong, Jared and I are doing so well right now. I lift that to God daily, I thank God for Jared daily, I praise Jared for himself daily.

There is much to be glad in, and I always thank Him for that. But my soul aches for a baby.

I've been twisted up in it all, every tweak of my body, every sign; Friends episodes that are of Monica and Chandler struggling for a baby freak me out. People tell me to relax, I don't know how. My thoughts are always on Avery, then to pull myself out of that I think on the hope of another baby, then I freak out about why it's not happening or when will it happen.

Feeling crazy yet? I did. I don't anymore....