Musings Part 4

So I prayed the prayer, cried, screamed, searched and begged. But I hadn't come to the part in my "Hannah Story" where I left the temple with dry eyes and a new spirit.

Any man who puts a garden tub in the master bath and has a wife should get a million bucks. Jared's best gift to me in this house has been that spot. I was so drained today from forcing myself into worship (which I ended up delighting in) and working on my first Avery's Angel's bake sale, that my body was throbbing all over when I reached to do my last cake of the day. My heart said "O please, let's go soak in the tub" and I was to exhausted to fight the urge.

I drew the bath, I'm an expert now (after several rather comical attempts that literally had our entire bathroom looking like a cloud had gotten very lost,) for getting the perfect amount of bubble, warmth, jets and water. I put on my "cheesy" Darlene Zcheche (ahem, girls like those songs because their love songs and gentle and passionate in the female form and image of God, how our soul resonates as the Brides of Christ and mothers of His creations. Which is why it's important that our songs get sung I worship, so that our souls can magnify His glory fully in and with the essence in which our Creator made, deemed and intended them. Excluding them excludes our abilities and our part in worship, the one action God calls us to do, created us for, and that we are capable of doing for Him. Again, I digress.)

So bubbles, Darlene, some Chamomile tea and a good book called Crazy Love.

And yes the book definitely helped, but my exhaustion did more than anything. I had literally tired the "me" out.

And it came to me. The ache I have, as in His image, is God's ache. He knows, through my lost and as He lost His own son. My yearning for a baby, that's His yearning, He put it on my soul and my groaning in the Holy Spirit puts it on His heart. (Which is where I'm lucky because Hannah didn't have that.)

Most importantly, the anger I have towards these parents that don't love the children they're blessed with is His anger. He has sent me to do His work, to love these children, to provide refuge for these gastroschisis parents, to believe in Jared and love him, (Haha, and yes, even to nag my worship leaders to allow more female songs.)

We ask too often "Why doesn't God fix these things" when we see suffering and problems in the world. Well, He's trying to! In the very fact that we ask the question!

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Yes He's angry at the hurtful parents but He loves His children so He sends me. And if I set "me" aside, and quit asking the question and do the answer, I would see that He is fixing it.

Yes I hurt and ache for our Avery, but if I realized that my tears God's already cried, and that Avery's death will eventually bless me, the world and Him as it already has started to, then I can really cry, in Him, with Him, for Him.

Do you see? Where there is the "why not God" there is the you, me, us asking the question, and we are His answer.

How does this help my ache? Well, it doesn't, Heaven is ever more drawing my desires and dreams towards it, it's a hard place to be as aware of how amazing and wonderful Heaven will be as I am and Mommies and Daddies of angel babies are. When you count more true love in heaven than earth, well, I can't fully explain. So my ache still exist, but that's God in me longing for Himself to be united in heaven. More importantly, He wants me to help Him help the world. He puts in me the parts of His ability to help the ache of those around me.