Sorry in the Delay

So I told myself when I started this that I wouldn't slack off about posting something at least once a week.

But I've gotten a little overwhelmed with life in general lately. Lots of pieces coming down all around like the season that we're in.

We had a fabulous concert for Christ on the 30th of October that I was in rehersals in all October for. It was an amazing night. I think hearts were really turned closer to Him and it gave me some real time to feel close to heaven and feel Avery smile. I almost cried several times but I kept hearing Avery say "Ah no Mommy! You're doing so well! Please don't cry!"

The holiday season is coming and it's so so so very bitter sweet. We heard the doorbell ring on Halloween and both of our hearts sank. We just looked at each other and I burst into tears. We had orginally thought that we were going to go get candy and pass it out. But reality hit me earlier that day, right when I went to get candy and I realized that I couldn't handle it. I had actually bought Avery a pumpkin hat earlier in the year in preparation. I am so ready to be a professional mommy. So that night instead, after Jared left for work, I traveresed to Michaels and made our wee angel a new fall flower arrangement. We went that Sunday and visited him and put it on his site.

There's nothing amazing, special or fun about that place. I hate it. I hate that we have to go there, I hate that any part of that is wrapped up in our lives. I love my little boy so much. It's not fair. Those moments, those are not fair. I can claim those selfishly, right?

I can feel it and I ache it so bad in every bone of my body. I've been taking bubble baths and listening to Darelene Zschech, praying and talking and reflecting with Christ. I know His timing is perfect, but I am really praying for a miracle to get through this season. I love Christmas and Thanksgiving so much. We had so much planned.

I've started doing the normal "new mommy/wifey" things of buying off season decoration. The little bit of fall decorations that I have are out, Jack our Scarecrow is next to the front door. Yesterday I needed a moment and left work early not feeling very well. When I came home he was sitting outside. Daddy (Jared,) said that it was because he was mis-behaving and needed some time to think about what he did.

Do you know how much I love that man? There is no one else in this world who knows the right words to say other than him. I praise God everyday for him.

I ached so bad for Avery lastnight I went into the nursery and put a diaper on a stuffed monkey. I just needed to go through the motions, not for another baby, just for me. How silly and weird is that? But I did. Popped a diaper on a stuffed monkey and cried.

I also found this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY&feature=youtube_gdata
The most interesting thing is that Desert Song was the Song I blared on the CD player to and from the hospitals all 107 days we had Avery. It has also been my ringtone for a while. I just found this video on Saturday. It's so beautiful how God alines all the wee details in our lives. I was just searching videos on female Worship leaders and it popped up.

I have another hospital appointment next week. I feel like time slips right through my fingers. I need to get onto gearing up to take the Praxis and apply for school in the Spring, I have to get running with the Non-profit so our Gastroschisis parents have shoulder and a place and I need to get on with preparing for the holiday season. So much so little time. And STILL no word from UNC or anyone to help for the parking situation.

I watched Avery's DVD that my "Pop's" aka Dave Bower made for us/the funeral last night. I'm sorry, our wee boy was such a beautiful boy. I really wish everyone could have met him. I never realized completely that he really didn't cry, he would just pucker his face and let out what can only be discribed as a "putter" but his face would be all "smoshed up" like his papa-bear put it. Thats how you knew, not from the noises, because he didn't make very many, but from his face. Right after he was born he just, cried a few times and fell right asleep, then looked around for his daddy's voice quietly. How amazing. And when we were trying to get him up to try eating, he just smoshed his face up and let out a few pathetic cries but nothing ever much. I would know, working child care for fooooorever. Not just as a mommy, and partial, but for the hoses, wires and his belly being what it was, and even still, he was so laid back. He belonged to the angels and just never really became ours I suppose. But I would give anything, anything if I could still have him.

I feel every now and again like Jared feels, like people around us have a time-block on me and I should be getting better with all this. But these past few weeks I've been feeling worse. I know it's the season, but it's hard.

Oooo friends. Pray for us and a miracle. A wee little miracle for Christmas. It will save our lives. And my sanity. I miss you Avery boy. I love you so.