Disclosure

So I suppose I should state the obvious.

I have always had just a spattering of friends my entire life. Just a few. It suites me well. I like doing my quiet activites; reading, writting, watching cheesy tv shows, cooking, daydreaming. I get in relationships and the number of friends gets even smaller. I have enough energy devoted to one person and I'm an in it to win it type gal. With all relationshis, if I can't take your 4 am phone call then I'm not going to have you think I can, again, all or nothing. That's just the way I am.

On top of it, I have a running history of people walking out on me in my time of need. "She can handle it, she's strong." aka, that's too much for me to handle so just leave her to it. Which is ok. I'd rather nothing than half-hearted attempts.

Further, a lot of the drama that comes with multiple friends in the same circle just drives me bonkers. Let me say, if fancy reasturants make me uncomfortable thinking about what many other uses I could do with the money, then he said she said crazy talk makes my tummy knot. Grown people wasting their time and energy and brain cells on such wicked and stupid games makes me ill. I tend to just ignor it or not respond, leave or just never make myself avaliable to the person or their phone call.

That's why I keep my distance. Why some friends haven't heard from me in a few years and some people can't seem to get me out of the house. I don't miss the crap. Sure it's quiet, but it also keeps my mind, mouth and energy focused on more worthy causes. Like real issues, Christ and more intellectually stimulating things.

There was a period of time after I graduated, ended my long and twisted relationship and watched my grandfather die that I stepped out of me to not be part of the pain and hurt that existed in my quiet time. Truthfully I did get mingled in that stuff because it made me feel better about where I was. I remember looking at my friend Lilly the Feburary after my gpa died and saying, "when I'm pushing 30 I don't want to be anywhere close to where these people are." She said "well then stop hanging out with them" so I did!

My birthday was kind of my last hurrah to all that and I began going back to church and applying to be a teacher. I hid behind Jared, but truthfully a lot of it was just me not wanting to deal with it anymore. Loosing my job was a blessing in disguise; God shoved me out of that world completely.

I don't miss it at all. I have a close group of friends that I trust. I stay mainly at home with my cup of tea and read through my philosphy and classic lit books. It's quiet, mature, God centered and intellectually stimulating. Dumb things are said, buts mainly my blonde and naive moments I have with Jared and his folks.

I have done enough living in 24 years there is little more I'm interested in experiencing. I lost my son and am spending most of my evenings reading the Bible and studies and watching my DVR. Call me a looser but I like it. I don't need to experience remidial crap from highschool. I didn't even enjoy highschool.

I'm healing from my sons death but I also have no interest in healing towards being anything but a mature, God centered and nerdy, yes nerdy person. Called it introspective and aloof, but I'd much rather that then remidial and self centered.

There is a situation, several, where Avery's death has made me have to talk to individuals and the he said she said crap has come up. I don't care who said what, I don't want any part of anyside of it at all. There are far more important things (that should clearly go without saying,) that I have going on. And will have going on for the rest of my life.

My definition of friendship is close and intimate. I don't really care to have a whole bunch of people like me. I'm me, I have people that do love me and God loves me and made me who I am so it's gotta be good right? Besides, I'm the mommy to an angel and an educator. I've gotta be awesome. Haha.

I want to live a testimony for Christ. I want to be a light to His kingdom. There's certain decisions I make to help me focus on that. Call me stuck up, but I make good choices conciously, so thank you. I'm definintly not perfect, but I'm trying to focus my direction that way.

I've learned that people are people, regardless of them being friends or family or aquantances. And we choose to allow them to keep hurting us or not. I forgive, but I'm unable to conciously let people be repeat offenders. I sleep well at night knowing I'm honest and fair to the best of my abilities to all. More people should try harder to do the same.

On a lighter but more loving note I'm so grateful to the following people;

Malia, Lilly, Jessica M and Jessica H.

Jared's family

Jared

My little brother

The UNC NICU department and Mya

Little Stepping Stones and my family there

Journey Church and my family there

Cooper Elementary and my family there

I love you. You help me smile daily. Thank you. And you have done so much more than I can ever thank you for.

I love you Avery. I miss you, and the nuttiness of this world makes me miss you more.